Friday, December 31, 2004

So What Did We Learn in 2004?

As long as people are in the majority they don't have to care about those in the minority. This may not come as a shock to most, but - my mistake - I thought we lived in a far more civilized society.

White trash is white trash is white trash, regardless of the tax bracket.

American politicians can not be regarded as trustworthy. Religious American politicians, since they only answer to their God and not to mere mortals, are far less trustworthy.

Its apparently ok to dispose of one theological dictatorship in another part of the world while setting up your own in your own backyard.

God is an Atheist.

Shaking hands spreads more germs than kissing.

Monday, December 27, 2004

ZMG's review of Ocean's Twelve

Have you ever had the feeling when you are watching a movie and then you get that nagging sensation that you've seen the movie before?

Have you ever played with one of those kids who was playing by the rules until they started losing and then said something to the effect "well I have a time machine and I went back in time and did all this before you did." or "well I can do what you do only I'm stronger."?

Have you ever wondered how a movie studio could spend $110,000,000 without coming up with a single original idea?

Even if you answered yes to these questions I would still recommend seeing Ocean's Twelve.

Ocean's Twelve is very much like its predecessor Ocean's Eleven. There is a lot going on that you see and a lot more that you don't see. There's a beautiful ex-love interest attached to one of the main thieves who eventually finds herself with that thief again. Everyone has their roles in the "big crime" and few extra that wont come out until the end. There are always one or two people out and about who no one knows about but are still working with Ocean and his crew. Every obstacle is planned for and planned out well ahead of time and every antagonist is thoroughly screwed before they even know it.

About the only plot twist in the whole movie is that the one person who was working with the police was in fact working with the police the whole time... up until the end.

The characters would be completely forgettable if it wasn't for the first movie. If you hadn't seen the first movie, you wouldn't have known the main character's names.. which is ok if you haven't because you never really know who they are after the movie either. If it wasn't for the fact that some of these characters have very unusual personality quirks and that not all of them are white, you wouldn't be able remember any of them at all.

This is probably the most elegant popcorn movie I have ever seen though.

Final Grade: B

Seriously though, someone really needs to check the books on this film. What the hell did they spend $110 million on anyways?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

This is Just Too Funny Not To Share

For the last couple days I've been involved in an online game called NationStates which is based upon a book named Jennifer Government. In this game people come in and make their own country, design their own flag and set their rules as according to new issues that come up.

My country is the The United Socialist States of Raust and my current UN category is labelled as Democratic Socialists. In creating your own country, you are also able to select your currency and your national animal. For money I chose the Stone (a reference to my larping days) and for my animal, I did something novel and went the common sense appraoch and chose the human as my nation's animal.. which currently frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests. As the days go on I vote on the issues as they come up and my decisions effect the outcome of Raust as a whole.

For example, yesterday I had to decide on whether to send more money into the military of my country. One side said the military needed more money for more weapons and the other side said "make love, not war". After considering a possible economic boost while counting the large bribe I took from the corporate contractors and considering the lack of planning in the safe and environmentally friendly manner of disarming and removing current and older weapons while bending the peaceful hippie-chick lobbyist over my desk and having my way with her.. I decided both sides were lacking in credibility and therefore dismissed the issue entirely.

Its good to be the king.

Ok. So, this morning, I get up and I look at my new issues to decide upon as lord high master and I come across this title: Humans on the Dinner Table?

I did a double take. Cannibalism? So soon? Wow, looks like my people are a tad more liberal than most.

So I click open the page and read the three opinions concering the outcome of our beloved national animal:
  1. "The fact is, the human population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Abraham Dodinas. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have human kebabs, human pies, human-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."
  2. "I agree that something needs to be done about human over-population," says random passer-by Beth Rubin, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."
  3. "I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Lars Clinton. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The humans were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The human is part of what makes Raust a great nation!"

After laughing my ass off for about 5 minutes I realized I just had to share to share this with the rest of you. My loyal readers. All two of you.

Regardless, I'm not sure how I'm going to vote on this issue. This requires serious thought... and the occasional fit of laughter.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

La-Hoo Za-Her

I watch The Biggest Loser on television every week. I think this is one of the few reality tv shows I can stomach because it stars people that normally wouldn't look model-ish enough to make it onto any other reality television show. The same was true for Sci-fi's Mad Mad House.

Just like Mad Mad House, The Biggest Loser is an attempt to help people and make them better and healthier people overall. While Mad Mad House went the intellectual route, Biggest Loser goes the physical route. However, since these shows apparently can't be anything other than Survivor clones, they can't help but vote someone "off the island" every week. I think this is a really stupid idea. Its as if these shows are saying "This is the best possible place for you to evolve and grow as an individual and become and overall healthier person, so we're sending you away from this place because we couldn't possibly be intellectually secure enough try something original and actually keep people here."

Instead of shoving these people who need help off the show every week and, in the Biggest Loser's case, train people who have probably been treated like garbage for what they look like to treat others like garbage over some silly competition, they should instead just move players in and out of contention for the final prize and let people progress as they will. To me, this seems like it would be a better idea, because it keeps the people who are "voted off" around the other players so they can continue to be an influence and a constant reminder of any backstabbing that may have occured to place that individual out of the main contest.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the time or easy access to the video equipment neccesary to put my own video tape together as an application for the next season of The Biggest Loser. I would have liked to get on there and shed a few dozen pounds myself.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

There Are No Christians in Foxholes

When an indiviudal human life becomes endangered, the human mind becomes irrational. It plunges into any wild and crazy idea that will give it the comfort it needs to move forward.

Take sports players for example. Their entire livelihoods depend on how well they perform. As such, they will resort to numerous rituals and self-inflicted psychological conditioning to make themselves as lucky as possible. Michael Jordan wore his North Carolina shorts beneath his Bulls uniform. Wade Boggs only ate chicken on game days. Jim Ohms put pennies in his jock strap after every victory. There are several rituals and superstitions that enter into every sport.

And this is only what people who play sports for a living do. People who take risks for profit on Wall Street or at the tables in Las Vegas are always looking for a little extra edge to help them beat the odds.

Now, what about soldiers. In combat situations, these people are fighting for their lives. One wrong step or movement could be the difference between waking up tomorrow morning or watching the last drops of your blood empty out of your body as you pass on into oblivion. If anyone should be prone to superstition, its these individuals. So is anyone ever truly shocked that these people will rub a plastic cross with the hopes that rubbing it in just the right way will negate any military skill that the opposing force has and will allow them to make it back to their families and loved ones in one emotional and physical piece, more or less?

Magic is a way to impose order on chaos and control that which is beyond control. This desperate "Christian magic" is no different than a baseball player who listens to the same song before going out to pitch. As such, it really can't be taken any more seriously than your standard superstition.

Its a good thing we aren't fighting an army of black cats armed with four-leaf clovers and horseshoes.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Warning: Ted Nugent Xing

Its officially deer hunting season and now its time for you would-be predators of the great wild to go out and kill a few hundred mammals. And thats just on the drive out to the camp.

I hate deer.. but, you probably know this by now. I don't know what the bag limit is on deer in this state, but I would love for it to be removed this year. Also I would love to see hunters go out and kill as many moose, wolves, mountain lions and bears as they wanted to. Moose because hitting one of them is even worse than hitting a deer. Hitting a moose will do one of two things. It will either go through the windshield of your car and plow through anyone sitting inside or it will bounce off your car, get up and start attacking your car until either you or your car are no longer moving. As for wolves, mountain lions and bears... these are critters we just don't need in the world. These are not cute and cuddly puppies, kitties and teddy bears. These are savage and dangerous inhabitants of our world. Upon meeting these creatures in the wild, they will most likely:
  1. Not care about how cute you think they are
  2. Not care about your stance on animal rights
  3. Track and run you down
  4. Kill you!
  5. Take you back to their den... in pieces if necessary
  6. Feed you to their young and then
  7. Defecate in your remains

These are not critters that need to be saved or cared for. They should be herded up and raised for either meat, bones and/or their fur. Either way, get them out of the wild. If we can knock down the ecology of the wilderness down to rabbit, fox and raccoon level, then we wouldn't have to worry about driving our cars to work without plowing into something too dumb to watch where its going and causing thousands of dollars to our vehicles. Let alone Boy Scouts that disappear on campouts.

Now go out and slaughter a few thousand critters this weekend. Wipe out a few PETAs or ALFs if they get in your way too.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

ZMG's Review of The Incredibles

First off the bat, I want to say that I've changed my mind about guns. Lets get more guns out there. Bazookas, Flame Throwers, Machine guns, Rocket Launchers, Surface to Air Missiles. WHATEVER!! Just get out there and wipe out those DAMN DEER!!! I'm talking NATIONWIDE BAMBI-CIDE!!!

Now, onto the movie. Good film. Definitely one of the best superhero movies this year. Easily better than The Punisher and Spider-Man 2. I wouldn't recommend it for children under 10 years old, but its definitely a good one. Definite franchise material. If they don't make a sequel or a trilogy out of this one, I would be very disappointed.

Highlights of the film:
  • A reference to Jason Lee's character Brodie from several Kevin Smith films.
  • Some really well choreographed action scenes reminiscent of X2.
  • An intelligent villain with relatively intelligent soldiers and a hot assistant that screws him over twice. Why twice? Because Syndrome's an ex-comic book geek. How would he ever be able to get someone that hot again?
  • Superheroes with the standard level of family dysfunction.
  • An honest look at superhero costume design. With my own LARPing experience I can really understand the "No Capes!" part.
  • Samuel L. Jackson as a relatively weak but damn smooth superhero.
  • An insurance agent gets chucked through several walls. Very cathartic.

Not really much of a downside to this movie. Very little cheese. I would have liked to seen more of Jackson's character, Frozone, near the end, but there's definitely room for more of that if they come out with a sequel. Also, in regards to the woman with the elastic abilities, those had to be the three easiest births in the history of child birth.

Final Grade: A

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Yes Dammit, That's my Final Answer!

Here's the idea for the next century. This will get rid of the bible-thumpers once and for all.

I've been trying to think about why people still take the church seriously anymore. Then it came to me. Charity work. Churches raise .. or rather, claim to raise money for the underprivileged all the time. It would only seem that out of self-interest that these underprivileged people would want to keep the churches around

So here's what we do.

All these homosexuals, atheists, pro-choicers and everyone else that have been shunned by the Church and the mother inferior need to get together and start doing fund rasiers. Raising money for those in dire straights, printing t-shirts with rainbows on them for those without clothing, food drives, getting aid to those who need it. Demonstrate to these people that being in "God's good graces" is not a prerequisite to being a charitable and honorable human being. Prove to them that you are not anti-family and the message will start to sink in.

Maybe they could even send atheistic missionaries off to foreign lands. Wouldn't that be an awesome sight? Sending aid and comfort without requiring these people to take "good christian names" or convert to any religion... because they don't have one! I, for one, would love to see the faces on the christian missionary's faces when they realize they aren't the only shop in town anymore. And because this group wouldnt be printing out bibles or making engraven images of a dead Aryan on a stick, this group will be able to send a higher percentage of donated money to those who really need it.

Give the church some real competition in the do-gooder business and I guarantee you within 50 years, people will stop listening to all these dumbass bible-thumpers. Either that or the church will actually try and pass legislation prohibiting atheists and homosexuals and pro-choicers from doing charitable work and then the world will see these fools for who they really are.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Creationism vs Astronomy

According to the Bible, the first thing God created was light in the form of the Sun. Then over the next 5 and a half days, God supposedly created the rest of the Universe. Bullshit.

And here's why...

First we'll assume God had the full six days to create the Universe after creating light. Just for Argument's sake.

6 days = 144 hours = 8640 minutes = 518400 seconds.

The fastest velocity possible in the physical universe is the speed of light. The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second.

This means that the total length God could have travelled in any one direction after creating light was (518400 x 299,792,458) 155,412,410,227,200 meters (155.41 trillion meters).

The nearest star is Alpha Centauri. Alpha Centauri is approximately 4.3 light years from the sun.

4.3 light years = 40,680,272,141,500,000 meters (40.68 quadrillion meters).

So you see, God could not have travelled to the next star over, let alone complete construction on the enitre universe in a mere 6 days.. or 7 days.. or 31 days. It would have taken someone 1570.54 days travelling at light speed to reach the closest star to our Solar System.

by the way, 1570.54 days = 4.3 years

Also if you want to realize how stupid creationism is, all you need to realize is that evolution has been piling on the evidence since day one and yet nothing has been found to be created out of dust since that fable began 2000 years ago except for a continual requirement for housekeeping supplies, french maid outfits and cement - which, by the way is where all bibles should be encased before being thrown once and for all to the bottom of the ocean.

In closing, I would like to add that I would allow Biology books to have stickers saying that the theories within are educated truths based on reproducible and available quantifiable facts if the bibles in this country are required to have stickers on them saying that the stories contained within are truths based on fear tactics and 2000 yr old politics and have no basis in fact.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Why the Democrats Really Won

Now here's the good news. For all of Mad King George's posturing and bullshit about 9/11 and terrorism. 82% of Manhattan Island - aka GROUND ZERO, lest you forget - said George W. Chimp couldn't get the job done!

This tells us two things:

1. Bush is a not a real leader.

2. People in Shitstain, Indiana and places south of Armpit, Tennessee are really uninformed about the real world.

What democrats really need to do is get out and actually talk to people about the true value of caring for your fellow man and educate some of these stupid hicks into realizing that maybe gay marriage isn't the worst thing in the world. Probably wont happen, because that would take effort.

But now that the Republicans are in office and in complete control of the governement (over the people, behind the people - so they can stab you or screw you, and paid for by the top 2% of the people), I say we cut back on taxes, which in turn will get John Hinckley out of a state funded medical institute and back on the street, give him a brand new assault rifle that George W Bonehead allowed to go back into public circulation, an 8x10 glossy of Jodie Foster and a map of Washington DC.

And remember, hunting season is just around the corner.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Why the Democrats Really Lost

A lot of right-winging losers are saying that the Democrats lost because they're politics are too far to the left to be taken seriously. Well excuse me to wanting care for all Americans equally. I thought we lived in the land of the free. My mistake.

Unfortunately a lot of Democrats in the higher ups are going to take this election garbage to heart and go into what the media has already dubbed "soul-searching." This means that over the next four years, the Democrats are going to look into serious pollings and try to find which minority groups they can cut loose and send off into civil liberty-less oblivion and still get a good night of sleep. The first two groups that will almost be sure to get the axe will be the homosexuals and the Non-Xtians (Athiests, Agnostics, Pagans and other people who have actually reached the age of reason). Those groups are certainly small enough that the Democrats can ignore for yet another generation or two. Women and their sexual rights will most definitely be kept around (although it may be self-defeating and I'll get to that a little later on). Blacks will be kept around unless they keep migrating over to the Republican side.

At this time, I would like to remind the African-American community that 75% of the Republican vote comes from an area of the country that still hasn't gotten over the fact that they lost the Civil War and if the African-Americans lose the interest of Democratic politicians, the Republicans will stop caring very shortly afterwards. Think northern Republicans will give a rat's ass? Mad King George was born in Connecticut (not Texas), you think he would have given a damn if 75% of his voting audience stopped caring about black civil rights? He's already tried stripping homosexual white and black people of their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (a group guaranteed, as George Carlin put it, never to have an abortion). How far away do you think you are from being put back into that cotton field? Yes, yes Abe Lincoln was a Republican and yet I offer this quote from his presidential debates:

"I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races - that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything." - The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume III, "Fourth Debate with Stephen A. Douglas at Charleston, Illinois" (September 18, 1858), pp. 145-146.

Getting back to the democratic "soul-searching", Latinos and Hispanics, except for the illegal immigrants, will probably not be trimmed because they look too much like white people.

Asians have actually done a good job with keeping their heads down and their mouths shut for the last 50 years, so they aren't really affected by the squabblings of Democrats and Republicans. They've done so well at not being noticed by the moronic masses, that a couple of homosexual Asian men (one in drag) could probably walk straight into a southern baptist church and still get married and no one would be the wiser (not that I'm claiming that a southern baptist could ever be considered as wise).

Now the Democrats can do all the soul-searching they want, but in the long run it really isn't going to make much of a difference. Unfortunately its because of what they believe in that's making the real difference.

Now, according to the US census clock the nation's population gets an estimated net gain of one person every ten seconds. Assuming the rate is constant for both Democrats and Republicans, this means that, for the most part, that since abortion has been legalized, it was only a matter of time before anti-abortionists out-numbered the pro-choicers, since, to be honest, the pro-choicers haven't been reproducing nearly as often. Mind you, I'm not saying abortion should be made illegal. If I was a woman, I'd want the right to not be considered a second-class citizen for nine months at a time. That's not fair and it isn't right. But honestly, if you have a group of people who wants the right to selectively diminish their own numbers (through abortion or assisted suicide), common sense dictates that they will eventually be in a minority to a second group who don't want anyone to have the selective right to diminish their own numbers.

Now don't you find it incredibly stupid that that second group seems to want the right to selectively diminish the population of every other group in the world and yet it becomes immoral to selectively diminish their own?

But to be completely fair, the anti-abortionists have no business claiming victory yet. They have elected a braindead war-mongering zealot into the White House and sooner or later the moron is going to re-instate the draft to keep his personal holy war going (he can't just stop at Iraq, he's gotta keep going to end ALL terrorism everywhere as he promised). Its the only real solution the man has left since every other country is walking away from this lying sack of shit. And as soon as he does, the lower and middle class Republicans will be seeing a very quick drop in their youthful population as the Democratic youth will be burning draftcards and going on extended vacations in Canada. The upper class children will, of course, get their usual get-out-of-draft-free cards. See the movie Dragonslayer for more information on how that upper-class bullshit works and then compare Bush's and Kerry's service records. But in the long run, the conservatives are indeed going to thin out their own numbers through their own massive moral stupidity and the liberals will get their land of the free back.

Conservatives are all in favor of the unborn, but once you're born, you're on your own. If you're pre-born, you're fine. If you're preschool, you're fucked. -George Carlin

Liberals don't hate America. Liberals just have little patience for those without the emotional or mental capacity to care for all Americans equally. - ME

SPECIAL UPDATE: Mad King George's plans are already being put into play.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

So, what did we learn today boys and girls?

The rights of minorities still hold second place to the bible. The homosexual community in the United States has my deepest sympathies.

The Electoral College is still NOT representative of the people's voice. If it was, we wouldn't be waiting on the outcome of 140,000 provisional ballots.

The all-inclusive term "Terrorism" has only scared maybe 2 million voters since 9/11 into submission.

America is slowly slipping into... well an "elitist society" would the wrong term to use since it implies that we are elite or better in regards to someone else.. I think "self-consumed crusader empire" would be a more appropriate fit.

America as a land of the free has failed. America as a land of economical, cultural and spiritual supremacists is now the norm. Hail the white Xtian masters.

My condolences to those individuals with cancer and other degenerative diseases. You'll have to wait at least another 4 years to gain any hope from stem cell research. Also my condolences to the feminist movement, your sexual freedoms will nnow be stripped from you because you thought that common sense could actually sway people. To people of other faiths, other than xtianity, you are now second and third class citizens.

I dont give a shit what Jeff Foxworthy says, there is NOTHING glorious about a lack of sophistication.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

ZMG's Top 100 Fight Scenes

This is just a little project I've been working on for a while now. When I go online to the IMDB, I am always reading posts made by people who place their 100 top films of all time and after a while they get a little boring. So I decided to make my own list, not of the best movies, but just of the best fight scenes in movies.

  1. Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker (Empire Strikes Back)
  2. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir vs. the Uruk-hai (The Fellowship of the Ring)
  3. Battle at Sterling (Braveheart)
  4. Superman vs. General Zod, Ursa and Non (Superman II)
  5. Indiana Jones vs. Arab Swordsman (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
  6. Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
  7. Neo vs. Morpheus (The Matrix)
  8. King Arthur vs. The Black Knight (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
  9. Westley vs. Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride)
  10. C.D. Bales vs. Dart Champion; insults included (Roxanne)
  11. The Ents vs. Isengard (The Two Towers)
  12. Neo vs. Agent Smith outside Rm. 303 (The Matrix)
  13. God vs. The Nazis (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
  14. Inigo Montoya vs. Count Tyrone Rugen (The Princess Bride)
  15. Westley vs. Vizzini (The Princess Bride)
  16. Tyler Durden vs. The Narrator in the parking garage (Fight Club)
  17. Michael vs. David (The Lost Boys)
  18. Puss in Boots vs. Castle Guards (Shrek 2)
  19. Sir Lancelot vs. Swamp Castle (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
  20. Johnny Cage vs. Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)
  21. Wolverine vs. Stu (X-men)
  22. Gandalf vs. The Balrog (The Fellowship of the Ring)
  23. Rick O’Connell vs. Imhotep’s Priests (The Mummy)
  24. Football Fight (Flash Gordon)
  25. Mad Max vs. The Blaster (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
  26. Robin Hood vs. High Sheriff of Nottingham at the end (The Adventures of Robin Hood)
  27. Battle for Helm’s Deep (The Two Towers)
  28. Blade vs. the Bloodbath Rave (Blade)
  29. Lone Star vs. Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)
  30. Indiana Jones vs. The 1st Mechanic (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
  31. Yu Xiu Lien vs. Jiao Long (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)
  32. Joe vs. Angel Eyes vs. Tuco (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly)
  33. Knights of the Round Table vs. the French Knights (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
  34. Carl Spackler vs. Mr. Gopher (Caddyshack)
  35. Baron Munchausen, Berthold, Albrecht, Adolphus, and Gustavus vs. the Sultan’s Army (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen)
  36. Ellen Ripley vs. Alien Queen (Aliens)
  37. The Baseball Bat Scene (The Untouchables)
  38. Magneto vs. Military Guards at Alkali Lake (X2)
  39. Sauron vs. The Army of Men and Elves (The Fellowship of the Ring)
  40. The Hanson Brothers vs. Hyannisport (Slap Shot)
  41. Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan vs. King Ghidrah (Ghidrah)
  42. The Narrator vs. The Narrator in the corporate office (Fight Club)
  43. T-800 vs. T-1000 in the steel mill (Terminator 2)
  44. Hawkmen vs. War Rocket Ajax (Flash Gordon)
  45. Jason and the Argonauts vs. The Skeleton Fighters (Jason and the Argonauts)
  46. Freddy Krueger vs. Jason Voorhees at Camp Crystal (Freddy vs. Jason)
  47. Hulk vs. the US Military (Hulk)
  48. Nada vs. Frank (They Live)
  49. Martin Riggs vs. Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon)
  50. Topper Harley vs. The Kickboxing Opponent (Hot Shots: Part Deux)
  51. Butch vs. Maynard and Zed (Pulp Fiction)
  52. Charlie vs. Hank (Me, Myself and Irene)
  53. Ash vs. Ash’s hand (Evil Dead 2)
  54. Bowen vs. Draco (Dragonheart)
  55. Rick Deckard vs. Roy Batty (Blade Runner)
  56. The Bride vs. The Crazy 88 (Kill Bill: Vol. 1)
  57. Leeloo vs. Mangalores (The Fifth Element)
  58. Martin Riggs vs. Roger Murtaugh in their first meeting (Lethal Weapon)
  59. Alex vs. Frank Alexander after Alex had been locked in the attic (A Clockwork Orange)
  60. Egon Spengler, Peter Venkman, and Ray Stantz vs. The Library Ghost (Ghostbusters)
  61. Brom Van Brunt and Ichabod Crane vs. The Hessian (Sleepy Hollow)
  62. Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (Tombstone; 1993)
  63. Neo vs. Multiple Agent Smiths (The Matrix Reloaded)
  64. Yoda vs. Count Dooku (Attack of the Clones)
  65. The Mud Fight (McLintock!)
  66. King Arthur vs. Lancelot (Excalibur)
  67. Lt. Mike Harrigan vs. The Predator (Predator 2)
  68. Bart vs. Mongo (Blazing Saddles)
  69. Vera vs. Quick (Harlem Knights)
  70. Ben Richards vs. Buzzsaw (The Running Man)
  71. The Bar Fight (The Devil’s Brigade)
  72. Gorgeous George vs. Micky O’Neil (Snatch)
  73. Robocop vs. Cain “Robocop” (Robocop 2)
  74. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  75. Chang Sings vs. Wing Kongs vs. Rain, Thunder and Lightning (Big Trouble in Little China)
  76. Blade vs. Reinhardt and the Guards (Blade II)
  77. The Punisher vs. The Russian (The Punisher)
  78. Bambi vs. Godzilla (Bambi meets Godzilla)
  79. Wesley vs. Prince Humperdink (The Princess Bride)
  80. Snake Plissken vs. Four Gunmen in the ‘Bangkok Rules’ Gunfight (Escape from L.A.)
  81. The Food Fight (Animal House)
  82. Roger Mortis and Doug Bigelow vs. Zombie Bank Robbers (Dead Heat)
  83. Trinity vs. The Police (The Matrix)
  84. Happy Gilmore vs. Bob Barker (Happy Gilmore)
  85. Breaker Mahoney vs. Cyrus’ Team (Thir13en Ghosts)
  86. Ash vs. Bad Ash at the castle (Army of Darkness)
  87. Yellowbeard vs. The Monks on the beach (Yellowbeard)
  88. Sloth vs. The Fratelli Brothers (The Goonies)
  89. Wang Chi vs. Thunder (Big Trouble in Little China)
  90. Top Dollar vs. Eric Draven (The Crow)
  91. “Bruce” Leroy Green vs. Sho’nuff (The Last Dragon)
  92. Dorothy vs. The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
  93. Francis Xavier Cross vs. The Ghost of Christmas Present (Scrooged)
  94. Shiwan Khan vs. Lamont Cranston in the restaurant (The Shadow)
  95. A-ko vs. The Max 5000 (Project A-ko)
  96. Roughnecks vs. The Bugs at the fort (Starship Troopers)
  97. Lisa vs. Chet Donnelly (Weird Science)
  98. Frederic vs. The Pirate King (The Pirate Movie)
  99. Madmartigan vs. General Kael (Willow)
  100. Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh vs. Wah Sing Ku (Lethal Weapon 4)

Sunday, October 17, 2004

ZMG's Review of Team America: World Police

There are two types of people in the world. Those who divide the world into two types of people and those who don't. Trey Parker and Matt Stone don't divide the world into two types of people they divide the world into three types: dicks, pussies and assholes.

Team America: World Police's underlying theme is that dicks fuck everyone, pussies hate dicks and assholes shit over everyone. That's about as deep as the movie gets and this movie uses every vulgar and bizarre method to express an over-simplified theme that only uses the analogies that work for their own message (not unlike Michael Moore). In the end this movie comes across as being as poignant as Andy Kaufman and as politically correct as Sam Kinison. The movie is about 50% funny, 45% retarded, and 5% insightful.

Another main theme is that people should not go to actors for political advice - they should go to bad voice actors instead. I never understood why people give actors such a hard time for giving their own opinions on politics. It seems that the people that buy supermarket tabloid trash don't mind the press hounding these actors day and night as long as they don't use that publicity to give out their own personal opinions of the world.

I was however shocked over the fact that neither John Kerry nor George W. Bush was mentioned in this film.

Highlights of the film include:
  1. A 4 minute dramatic barfing scene
  2. A puppet porn scene (It is only out of the most perverse curiosity that I want to see the unedited version of that)
Final Grade: Incomplete. Do over.

I look forward to seeing Kim Jong Il's reaction to Trey Parker and Matt Stone's film about as much as I'm sure George Bush Sr. will look forward to seeing Michael Moore blow up.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

A few things to say before the election

1. If Kerry can take Ohio and Pennsylvania, he'll win without a doubt.

2. If you are looking to use a write in slot (For libertarians, independents, etc), you must ASK to be shown how to use it because it is against the law for officials at the polls to voluntarily show you how to access it.

3. Go see Team America: World Police. We'll all need a good laugh before this crap election takes place.

4. Go here to make sense of all the crap being tossed around by both sides.

5. If there is any karma in the universe, all politicians in the DC area will drop dead on Halloween.

I need a drink.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Give Me Libertarian or Give Me Death

I've considered it. I've considered voting Libertarian. And I will admit, the Libertarian party has some interesting ideas. I think their views on the environment and freedom of expression and the seperation between church and state is very uplifting. Their views on censorship and personal sexual reltaionships is heartwarming when compared to the current administration.

HOWEVER... they also have a lot of other views that I do not agree with. I do NOT believe that putting more guns in the street is a way to stop gun crime. I do not share their definition as to what a "victimless crime" is. While I do believe social security is a joke, I don't believe cutting taxes in half will do anything positive for the country. I also believe their statistical analysis between crime and drug prohibition is simplistic. Their solution is to end drug prohibition and I can assure you certain drugs, like Crystal Meth, have no business ever being legal.

In addition, I like job security. I like holding onto the hope that I can get a job and make a reasonable amount of money and reach a decent standard of living without having to worry about some guy fresh from some third world country coming in and taking my job from me because he's willing to live in a mudhole with 13 of his friends and family and work for one-tenth of my salary. Call me a socialist, but I feel the time and effort you put into an organization should mean something to that group and should not be thrown away at the drop of a hat.

To me it seems that they want to try and promote personal responsiblity by creating the most socially irresponsible environment. While it may seem promising at first, their world vision reminds me of the mining towns I see crumble into social-economic chaos on the History Channel.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

R - E - S - P - E - C - T

Rodney Dangerfield, one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time, has died today. No words can truly express the loss this means to the entertainment industry. So instead, I will merely use the words of the great legend himself:

"And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!" - Back to School

"When I was born the doctor slapped my mother"

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms."

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out, then bring one every ten minutes." - Back to School

"I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."

"She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks."

"She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled 'rape', they yelled 'No'."

"What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it."

"Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up." - Meet Wally Sparks

"Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire."

"Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money."

"Even in hell I get no respect." - Little Nicky

"Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!" - Caddyshack

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Brainwash... Rinse... Media Spin

I want to talk about these marijuana ads that keep coming out these days where people are shown smoking pot while driving and its affecting their driving abilities. Either that or there's some kid crying because someone he knew got run over by someone else who was smoking pot and then driving. And the tagline is saying: marijuana.. its more dangerous than we all think.

Now let me see if I can understand what this ad is saying. These commercials have established that: drunk driving is dangerous and illegal, smoking marijuana makes you about as dangerous behind the wheel as someone who drinks alcohol before getting behind the wheel, and then concludes that smoking marijuana is dangerous and should remain illegal.

Well, right off the bat I can also see that this commercial is telling me that smoking marijuana is no more dangerous for you than drinking alcohol and while drinking alcohol is still legal as long as you don't drive afterwards, smoking marijuana should still be illegal in any scenario.

I mean, let's take an objective look at these two drugs. Alcohol is a toxin to humans. If you drink it day and night eventually you will get alcohol poisoning and die. Marijuana on the other hand, can be smoked day and night and you will never die. It is not physically possible for the human body to take in enough marijuana in a short enough time for it to be lethal.

Alcohol can be used to make mixed drinks that can fuck you up even faster and send you on your way to a lethal case of alcohol poisoning that much easier. Marijuana and more specifically, hemp, can be used to make clothing, rope, bags, food, paper and much more.

When people drink alcohol they can become abusive and violent. When people smoke pot they become mellow and get a case of the munchies. Regardless of what early government studies say, pot will not turn you into a psycho murderer. At the most you might shoplift a pack of twinkies.

Over time, both alcohol and marijuana abuse can and will screw up your physical and emotional well being. However, the same can be said for any legal or illegal drug, caffiene included. Also both alcohol and marijuana can become addictive. If you want to get really nasty, it can be shown that the long term effects of legal artificial sweetners will do more damage to you over the long run than pot will.

So why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal? I don't get it. Its just the spin it takes in the media, I guess. Mind you, I'm not saying that all drugs are the same or that you should go out and get stoned. Both alcohol and marijuana are addictive substances just like nicotine. Its just out of alcohol, marijuana and nicotine.. only one wont kill you. Surprisingly, its the only one of the three that's illegal.

Kinda the same way Republicans think Dan Rather should be fired for misleading America with questionable documents and George W Chimp should get four more years.

Again, I don't get it.

Monday, September 20, 2004

God told me to post this

Do I have something against God? Not really. I just have something against his followers.

Imagine a farmer starts his tractor and begins to plow in a straight line. It's a brand new tractor and the field is straight enough and flat enough that after a while, the farmer jumps off and goes back into his house to take care of something else. The tractor goes on straight after a while and then something happens. A rock or a rodent gets in the way of the wheels and the tractor is pushed off its course. The tractor weaves and wobbles for a while and then it completely loses its way and drives off the field entirely and starts heading down a nearby road. Down this same road a family is taking a drive in the country. They've never been in the area before and they have nothing but high hopes as they turn around the corner and WHAM!! are struck head on by the driverless tractor and the family is killed. The farmer is questioned later on and he tries to cover his own ass by saying the driver of the car should have watched where he was going.

If you asked most people who was to blame in this scenario, more than likely they would blame the farmer. He was absolutely irresponsible in his actions in leaving the tractor he set in motion unattended. In doing so he is liable for the deaths his tractor caused and the indirect, but very real damage caused by any surviving family members not with the people in the car. It would make little difference to people that this farmer provides food and shelter for his own family or that he provides food for other people or that he takes care of dozens of animals on his own farm. He still needs to be held accountable for the deaths that the events he set into motion caused.

Now imagine if the farmer had a more important role in the lives around him. What if he was the most important individual in that region? Would the lives of the family that died at the hands of the farmer mean less in comparison? If so, how many lives would need to be destroyed before people believed that the farmer needed to be held responsible for his continual inactions? How many lives would need to be destroyed before the farmer learned to pay attention to his tractor?

In this scenario: God is the farmer, religion is the tractor, and the family is anyone who has been attacked or prejudiced because of religion.

I am a devout agnostic. This means the more some bible-thumper pushes me towards any one denomination the harder I push to stay in the middle. I don't believe in God. Actually let me put that in other words. I don't believe in how modern churches define their deities and I have a personal grudge against monotheistic religions. All monotheistic religions all have the same underlying premise that "I'm right because I worship the ONE TRUE GOD and everyone else is wrong and/or going to Hell by default." Think about what this means for a moment. By its very definition, a monotheistic organization is incapable of accepting, let alone acknowledging, other organizations because they can't possibly be correct. Because of this majorly exclusionary and fucked up dogma everyone outside of a religion's cone of silence is by default in league with that religion's personal brand of the devil. I believe there will never be peace on earth as long as people adhere to this hogwash.

Special note: Religion is also directly opposed to freedom of expression. If you have an organization telling you exactly what is right and what is wrong, any freedom of expression can only be defined by that organization's freedom of oppression. This explains why most of the religious fanatics in America tend to hold their guns close and will protect their 2nd Amendment rights moreso than they will protect the ACLU's 1st amendment right to say these people are nuts.

Even if there was a massive planet-wide holy war and there was only one religion left (hardly matters which), there still wouldn't be peace because in any organization where there is power to be had and at least one person who believes they deserve more, there is going to be politics. And religion is nothing if not the ultimate political tool. In religion, people obtain political power by adapting "holier than thou" attitudes and stating that they are closer to God than their peers. Unfortunately this is not that uncommon since every person believes that God will understand their own personal dilemmas and be forgiving in the choices they take but be wrathful in how other people make their decisions. In this way every person makes God in his or her own image. Eventually you would be brought back to the beginning with multiple religions, each one fractured from the first because they couldn't agree with how to worship the same deity, and again each claiming how they are right and everyone else is wrong and bound for Hell by default.

And on and on and on and on. If there is a devil, he must be rolling on the floor laughing his ass off because God has allowed his "religion" to progress to this state through his inactions and, in doing so, has brought more evil to Earth than the devil ever could himself. If there is a God and he truly did care for his people, then he should come down to Earth and prove to everyone, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he doesn't exist. That would be the best gift he could give his people right now.

If God exists, then I find God to be irresponsible. Through his actions and inactions he has caused enough damage and enough horror to those who he is supposed to be watching over that he should not be awarded the gift of faith, blind or otherwise. If God doesn't exist and a few thousand years ago some innocent person looked up into the sky and asked "why am I here?" I would like to think that if there had been someone around with some amount of foresight, he should have walked over to that individual, kicked him square in the yarbles and told him to get back to work.

"The army that carries the Ark before it is invincible." -Raiders of the Lost Ark

Sunday, September 19, 2004

ZMG's Review of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

This wasn't a bad movie but it also wasn't a great movie. If it had been great, it could have been described as a Retro-Classic. It had the look and the feel of a 1930's sci-fi pulp comic done with modern day computer graphics. The movie was very stylish but it also lacked any real combat that a movie like this should have had. For example the final shot of the movie showed an all out attack against... NO ONE. It was a very anti-climactic ending.

The plot line was decent enough. I couldn't figure out why a german rocket pad would be counting down in english, however. Small plot point.

The various creatures and robotic monsters were very well done in the beginning but as I said before, they really needed to do something with them for the end as well. They kept talking about a Doomsday device and unfortunately it wasn't nearly as threatening as they built it up to be.

Polly Perkins gets my award for the most annoying character of the year. She is as reckless as Lois Lane and has the ego of Doctor Doom. How anyone could put their own self-interest so far above the welfare of the entire world is beyond me. She might as well be running with Mad King George. When Sky Captain finally punches her in the mouth it was probably the most satisfying moment of the whole movie.

Final Grade: B

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Golden Enema

A continuation of Concrete Enema

Well its about 5 days until the final exam in this concrete enema o'mine and it looks like I'm actually going to pass this one. If I got 100% on this last assignment, it will mean that I will only need about 66% on this upcoming exam to pass with an A- and keep my GPA to an acceptable level. I'm going for the gold on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

But this class hasn't been a total loss of time and sleep and I'll be darned if I didn't learn something interesting in this class. During one assignment, we were made to write out ten summaries on several essays. I did mine surrounding organizational communication within sports and I came up with something rather interesting concerning people who value athletics over education.

According to this article by Jay Coakley called Socialization and Sport, it says that during the 1960's and 1970's sociologists were trying to determine any kind of personality traits that stemmed from playing sports. They found out that interscholastic and intercollegiate athletes in the United States measured higher on personal and political conservatism and lower on political awareness than their counterparts not involved in sports. (Ogilvie & Tutko, 1971; Norton, 1971; Rehberg & Cohen, 1971; Schafer, 1971)

This explains two parts of American culture:

1. The term "Dumb Jock"
2. Why Republicans are constantly cutting back on education.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

and now.. a little fun

ahh the joys of internet radio. I use LAUNCHcast with my yahoo messenger. I've had it for about a week now and i've already hit the Fanatic level. Its a great way to listen to a lot of songs you would never think of listening to... ever. Its a really basic premise. You start out by ranking out a lot of "essential" artists of various genres (either on a 1-100 scale or with stars) and then you have the option of writing in four other artists to listen to. Then through a process... not unlike how they make cheese whiz... LAUNCHcast goes through its massive library and picks out what songs it thinks you might like to hear, based on which artists, albums and songs, but not neccesarily the ones you rated the highest. The biggest problem with this system is that its main goal is to sell you CD's. With this in mind, it figures that the songs and albums that you've rated the highest must be songs you already own and ergo, it will be rare that you actually hear those favorite songs of yours. Instead, about 75% of the music will be based on an guess of what LAUNCHcast thinks you might like to hear and eventually shell out $12 to buy on CD. Another problem this causes with LAUNCHcast is that if by some chance you remember that one-hit wonder from the 80's and then rate that song at 100%, chances are you will almost never hear that song, but rather every other crappy song by the same artist.

Now this might not be a problem for the typical music fan, but I have very picky tastes. I will NEVER buy a CD unless the music has truly impressed me. For example, I'm still trying to decide whether or not its worth it to buy the Orgy CD with Blue Monday on it and I was VERY impressed with the video when it first came out. See? VERY picky. But I digress, LAUNCHcast goes on its own little tangent quest to sell me music I haven't heard before and on a rare few times its actually done a good job. I never would have found out about DJ Micro or Paul Oakenfold without them but even still, 95% of the time, LAUNCHcast is DEAD WRONG with its guesses as to what I want to hear. This can get very annoying very quickly. For example, I like Jump Around by House of Pain and no other song by them. Instead of hearing Jump Around though, I get every other song by House of Pain which I have to either skip (which you can only do 5 times in an hour unless you pay LAUNCHcast for more) or rate a zero in order to keep them from ever playing it again with the futile hopes that they might learn and not send me any other songs by them other than the one I WANT to hear.

One thing I do like about LAUNCHcast is they do have some nice videos which you can play as often as you like. Unfortunately, they don't have some of my favorites like Tom Petty's Don't Come Around Here No More or Genesis' Land of Confusion. Two essential 80's videos if you ask me. I love videos that play out little movies that actually have something to do with what the song is about. Meat Loaf's I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Wont Do That) is another good one.

They do have the Gump video by Weird Al Yankovic. I highly recommend this one. Watching Ruth Buzzi beating Forrest Gump with her purse was just priceless. Too funny. One more bit of Gump trivia... when Weird Al was playing Gump on a New Year's Eve party live on television, they showed the members of The Presidents of the United States of America singing along with the parody of their song, Lump. Now that's class. Prince could learn a thing or two from them.


Friday, August 06, 2004

Umbrella Salesmen

It seems to me that Mad King George has become quite the umbrella salesman.

The past 3 years have shown Mad King George creating this huge umbrella which he has christened "Terrorism." It started innocently enough as a rallying cry against those who attacked The United States on September 11th of 2001. The sleeping giant had awoken and it was time to take out the trash. Then after a few months of righteous action and war cries, the term "terrorism" turned into a political tool. The umbrella grew and the umbrella salesman was adding more to its size as well as trying to sell this umbrella to as many American people as possible. The Partriot Act and the Iraq war for example were added to keep people afraid of the storm. More recently, upping an already vague terror alert system during the Democratic National Convention was done to keep sell the umbrella again to people who were no longer afraid of the weather. If not for the politically adaptable umbrella, none of these additions would have became a reality let alone been taken as a serious idea.

Then the umbrella became something even worse. The umbrella called Terrorism evolved into a dividing line between who was standing with "Real Americans" beneath the umbrella and those "unpatriotic bastards" not willing to be sold the idea that they needed the umbrella or were starting to put their umbrellas away. The umbrella was no longer trying to keep America safe, it was only trying to keep those still beneath it trapped there. In addition, the umbrella salesman didnt wanted those beneath it to know the storm was over because if the storm was over, the umbrella salesmen would be out of a job.

So the umbrella salesman jeered at those outside of the umbrella's reach. The salesman threatened them to return beneath the safety of the umbrella. But those outside the range of the umbrella's grip knew the current storm was passing and what parts of the storm remained, were not being stopped as well as it should be. Then they noticed the umbrella salesman had paid so much time to the building of large faulty umbrellas that he neglected other parts of his life and ergo loss even more respect in the eyes of his potential customers.

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger." -- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

If you still do not wish to purchase into the Terrorism Umbrella, there are several other Republican models to chose from:

The Traditional Family Values Umbrella
The God Bless America Umbrella
The Faulty Intelligence Umbrella
The Democrats are Stupidheads Umbrella (notice how the word Republican never appears on this page)
The Grand Old Party Umbrella
The John Kerry is a Flip-Flopper Umbrella

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Concrete Enema

Ugh. I hate essay tests. I just cant stand them. This past week I've had to put everything on hold just so I could study for this massive concrete enema (hard to pass) of an mid-term exam.

I dont think too much of this teacher either. Let me explain how this guys works.

The essay exams are to be graded competitively, since he believes we are forced to be competitive in the workplace. This, to an extent, I can see the potential of. However it appears to be an overly simplistic response to standardized testing.

Before the exam we are to write out a summary of an entire class session and post it online for all the students to read and study from. If we are to be graded competitively on the exams, doesn't it seem a bit contradictary that we would share our notes with other students in the same class?

Also the exams are closed book and closed notes. This is also contradictary to his workplace theory since when one is in the workforce and one goes to a meeting or to a presentation, one is usually expected to bring notes or texts to draw information from when neccesary.

Now imagine this coming from a guy who is a dead ringer for Clayton from Benson.

So anyway, despite blanking on the first part of the exam and writing more than I ever have before on any essay test in my entire life, I get a 93%. Not too bad. My friend on the other hand, didn't study any of the material covered on the first part of the exam and BS'ed her way into a 47/50 on that section and then got a perfect 50 on the second part. But she's got a degree in English already so she can BS with the best of them.

And people wonder why there is so much violence in schools today.

Speaking of violence, I wanted to talk a bit about the rise of violence in schools today. Beautiful segue, dontcha think? When I was growing up I was a hyperactive kid that the school couldn't control. So instead of doing something intelligent like counselling me, they decided to go for the easiest route available to get me into status quo with the least amount of work. They stuck me on Lithium, which gave me a three-year gap in my memory and a severe lack of social skills. This, in turn, made me a social oucast and an easy target for verbal assaults from any asshole walking around. And you know how it goes, as the verbal assaults and the pranks progress, your parents can't do squat about it. All the teachers couldn't care less about the students so they wont get involved other than to give that tired old "dont let it bother you" bullshit. And talking to the bullies themselves doesn't do shit.

So what do you do when everything else fails miserably? You do one of two things. You either sit there and take your daily poundings or you take the law into your own hands and you kick some ass. Mind you, I wasn't getting teased nearly enough to bring a shotgun to school, but I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about it from time to time. So whenever I hear about some kid going off and slinging lead around the schoolyards. At home I am secretly cheering his demented ass on. YOU RAH RAH!!

Then afterwards, if they don't kill themselves, the trials for these juveniles are always so funny. If you listen to these things you almost start to wonder who the real psychos are in this area of the country. First of all, you have all the clique kids running around and holding onto each other for support and weeping on the evening news as if they were saying "We teased him mercilessly, but we never expected him to push back!" Then the parents of these clique kids, who breed their children to torment everyone who's different they are, go on the news and blame the school board and the parents of the actions of the psycho-tot. Next they bring in psychiatrists to counsel the clique kids and tell them "It's ok. You're not to blame for this. You don't have to change who you are. Now go back out and torment some other kid until HE brings a shotgun to homeroom and maybe, if you survive THAT encounter, I can tell you all this bullshit again." Then, depending on how influencial the victim's parents are, the kid will most likely be tried as an adult, and eventually sentenced to concurrent sentences of 25 years each and the village that bred this child to become the sociopath he is today gets off with barely a slap on the wrist.

I saw this one sentencing hearing that made me roll on the floor. This kid had shot up a couple students in his school and he wasn't crying in court so I'm assuming he got off a lucky shot at at least one of his tormenters. The clique kids were lining up saying the usual stupid shit. We need less violence in movies. This is all Marylin Manson's fault. You've ruined our prom. Blah Blah Blah. Then the prinicipal showed up. This was a hilarious speech. She went on for like 20 minutes about how this kid had absolutely no reason to do this. She claimed no one picked on him... no one tormented him.. and everyone in his school was his best friend in the whole wide world. I almost died laughing at how stupid this speech was. First of all this kid was short, fat and wore glasses. Genetics might as well have made a bullseye shaped birthmark on his face for all the grief this kid was going to get in school and this principal was trying to sell the notion that this school was somehow the only school in the entire fucking world where no one torments anyone else? LMAO! Nixon, Mad King George, Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly combined couldn't sell that much bullshit, lady!

What a funny world we live in. This stuff just writes itself.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Mad King George's Land

Everybody SING!!

This land ain't your land.
This land is my land.
I've got a shotgun,
and you don't got one.
You step on my land,
and I'll blow your balls off.
This land is private property.


Saturday, July 17, 2004

Terror Alert Level: Fuchsia

Is it me, or are the people who oppose Gay marriage among the dumbest people on the face of the planet? The one arguement I hear that doesn't stem from bible-humping losers is that Marriage is a sacred institution. Sacred institution? Are you fucking kidding me?
Sacred institution, my black ass! Marriage is a goddamn GAME SHOW!
Married by America!? Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire!? Who Wants to Marry My Dad!? The Bachelor!? The Bachelorette!? Temptation Island!? My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee!? Wife Swap!? Outback Jack!?
Marriage isnt an institution! Its a ratings spike! In addition to that, the average marriage today (with straight people, of course) lasts only five years. FIVE YEARS! Thats not long enough to raise a child to the age where he can learn how to ride a bike. That's pathetic.
...and so of course seeing how straight people treat their "sacred institution", its only logical for them to want to keep homosexuals out of it because allowing homosexuals to marry might give marriage a bad name. OH PLEASE!! I guess they feel they have to protect the sanctity of all those drive-thru marriage chapels in Las Vegas.
ZMG: "God? Why are your followers so mindless?"
God: "I don't know, George."
ZMG: "My name's not George, God."
God: "I'm sorry, George." 

A couple days ago, I saw this perfect example of anti-gay idiocy. This religious nutsack was sitting on stage telling the world how he had been gay for several years. He had seen his friends die and buried because of AIDS and then found religion.. and turned away from the "evils" of homosexuality.
SIDE NOTE: I really want to know why it is that these religious whackjobs always find God right when they are at the bottom of the barrel? Its never the people who are already doing well, or the moderate joe. Its always some shlep at the end of his rope. Isn't it strange how this ideology just latches onto people at their weakest emotional and mental state and just throws them in for a double rinse in the brainwashing cycle?
Anyway, back to the straight plan for the gay man. This toad was sitting here talking about how this wonderful woman sitting by his side had been praying for him for two years and then they were married. MARRIED. The same guy. This guy who was taking a size 10 mansteak in his backdoor for more than a decade was allowed to get married. He was allowed to get married because he wasn't gay anymore. How utterly pathetic is this? This white-washed dildo who couldn't handle the stress of watching less responsible members of his sexual orientation die of AIDS, so he decides to change his identity in order to not deal with the situation.
This, my friends, is no different than that one guy in M*A*S*H who psychologically turned himself into Jesus because he couldn't stand the horrors of the war. This man couldn't stand watchign his gay friends die of AIDS in the 80's so he turned himself into a straight Christian Warrior to protect and remove himself from the AIDS epidemic. He doesn't need a wife and kids, he needs a padded cell.
But I digress, this same individual is allowed to be married when he loved a woman, but when he was in love with another man, he wasn't. That makes no sense to me.
"Kill a man, but don't kiss him." -Robert Preston; Victor/Victoria (1982)

Monday, July 05, 2004

ZMG's Review of Spider-Man 2

Before I start, I want to say that overall this is a good movie. However, if you do not have a strong constitution, you could come down with an acute case of cheese poisoning.

There was a lot of cheese in this film.

1. The unneccesary use of scream queens in the film was cheesy.

2. The "Mary Jane running through the park in her wedding dress" scene was very cheesy.

3. The "Raindrops keep falling on my head" montage was hideously cheeseball.

4. Doc Ock and Spidey doing a synchronized tumbling act along the top of the train, while well animated, was still a little bit cheesy.

5. The little old lady with the violin playing the 60's theme song was one of those hideous greasy christmas nut-covered cheeselogs kinds of cheesy.

6. The freeze frame of Peter's smiling face was like getting hit in the face with a 10-pound block of parmesan. I was so hoping that was a mistake in the film. *UGH*

7. The way Peter revealed himself so non-chalantly to Doctor Octopus (and thus inderectly to Mary Jane who was standing maybe 15 ft away) when he wouldn't do the same to J. Jonah Jameson wasn't nearly as much cheese... but it did have a bit of that familiar aroma to it.

Overall, the acting, the dialogue, the interaction between characters, and the storyline was better than the first film. Stan Lee made his requisite cameo as a guy pulling some girl away before she got clobbered by falling debris. There were plenty of little references scattered about the film. There was even one to Army of Darkness.. and I was so waiting for the Doctor with the chainsaw to say "Groovy!"

Final Grade: C+

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Republicans and Democrats UNITED!!

Not by The Demagogue formerly known as Mad King George.. but by PORN, GLORIOUS PORN!!

I pledge allegiance to the porn, of the United States of America, and to the 13" black dildo for which the porn star moans. One nation, under silicon, interchangeable, with liberty and anal lube for all.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

The Middle East.. Bitter Assholes

Let's take a little trip down memory lane, shall we?

About 600 years ago the world was a much different place. The new world had yet to be made public knowledge. The concept of a flat earth was the accepted truth. The people who did trade between Europe and Asia had to pass through what is now known as the Middle East. This was a good time for these people. Trade was always coming through since land routes were faster than routes by sea. Those guides who knew the safest routes were prized by all. The leaders of the cities in the middle of trade routes were rich for they could tax as much as they wish in return for safety and supplies. The people of this region were the center of the known world and they had everything they could ever want at their fingertips.

Go forward about a century. A European explorer looking for a better trade route between Europe and India sets out across the Atlantic Ocean. Columbus does not find a passage to India but instead sets the wheels in motion for Trans-Atlantic exploration and settlement. Any concern had by the Arab world of Europeans finding a faster router by sea is squashed with this discovery. Trade routes through their regions are unaffected and life goes on.

Another 125 years later, The Mayflower and its passengers came into play. They settled down in the new world and began the foundations of what was to become one of the most powerful nations in the world. The Arab world was not impressed. While resources were being transferred to this grand new design, trade between Europe and Asia still went through the Arab world without deviation.

Ahead again another 150 years. These new colonies have gained independence from England and a new nation is formed. This new nation (divisible) offers both Freedom and Manifest Destiny as it begins to expand and evolve over the course of the next 125 years. Trade with the Arab world diminishes a little but does not dwindle as there is still no better route to India despite expansion across the North American continent.

Enter 1900. During the next 50-60 years big changes are going to affect the world. Man is going away from horses and movie to trains and automobiles. Man is learning to fly and can now travel large distances. Plans for a canal connecting oceans at Panama first drawn up in the early 16th century are now coming to pass. Mass production is bringing the future faster and more efficiently. Suddenly, the world demographic shifts. The Arab world is no longer the center of attention. Trade routes no longer require the Arab world for assistance and since the Arab's never sought a reason to evolve their own economy beyond that which was handed to them by travellers from outside their lands, things go downhill FAST. Arab countries that do not find oil are forced to rely on other forms of income. Some turn to opium which has been outlawed in America since 1875. But those wihtout the benefit of adequate means of economic stability fall apart.

Now religion has taken a grip upon the desperate peoples of this land. It is telling them that America is to blame for generations of their own sloth. It is telling them that killing Americans will acquire great wealth for them in heaven. It is telling them that if they aren't getting handouts anymore from other countries that they have every right to commit terrorist attacks upon them instead of actually working hard to create a better place for themselves in this world.

The Arab World is now a wrathful place that has been forged in greed and tempered in sloth. Its only hope for salvation lies NOT in some bible-thumping, altar boy jumping religion, but in making it face its own mistakes and forcing them to deal with their own problems. The only real solution is for the Arab World to be quarantined and isolated from the rest of the world until such time as they can make a real contribution to the global community again and able stand on its own two feet without resorting to violence.

As for The Demagogue formerly known as Mad King George. Getting Saddam Hussein out of Iraq may have been a good intention... BUT... he did it for the wrong reasons, in the wrong way and at the wrong time. He has taken a once great nation and turned it into another wrathful weapon forged in greed, tempered by sloth and willing to take the easy road and attack anythng that moves rather than listening and thinking before acting.

In many ways Bush has made the US just as bad as the Arab world is now.

..and in just four years too. Imagine what he could do with eight.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

This Way to The Egress

Now personally I have nothing against socialists or Marxists. Both political doctrines had a lot to offer the world in terms of economic and political reform (if it wasn't for Socialists there would be no minimum wage) and alas both were basically run into the ground by psychotic madmen looking to rule the world. Ce la vie.

The following argument is not meant as a slam towards Communism. This is a hella weapon to be used against those unenlightened few who still live in fear of the Red Menace as a deterrent to voting for Mad King George in the upcoming election. Its an illogical argument for illogical minds.

President Bu**sh**, in the past four years, has made two very noticeable changes to the economy. He has accomplished the following:

1. He has gifted massive tax cuts and allowed offshore tax shelters to the very wealthiest of people within the United States. This has made the wealthy even wealthier and created a more inaccessible divide between the upper and the middle class.

2. He has allowed utility and gasoline prices to skyrocket, which in turn has caused a blurring between the middle and lower class. Effectively creating one single working class where there was two.

The core of Marx's utopian doctrine was to eliminate the middle class (bourgeoisie) and leave everything to the working class (proletariat) and the wealthy (the elite). Ergo, these two aforementioned economic consequences has caused the US to enter into a Marxist state.

So go ahead and vote for President Bu**sh** if you want to. He has not only spit into the face of everything that Ronald Reagan had accomplished during his eight years in office, but has also handed the Communist Party a delayed victory in the Cold War.

"Not if you eliminate the third, fifth and sixth letter. Then its Red's Digest." -Colonel Flagg (M*A*S*H)

"The Communists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win." -The Communist Manifesto

Monday, June 21, 2004

My ass on the one dollar bill.

I want to talk about dumb ideas today. Today, I witnessed a severe lack of planning which led me to an even dumber idea later on.

The powers that be, in the small town I live in, have decided to start some much needed repairs on a long stretch of road. This much I have no problem with. What I do find disturbing is how they decided to put the damn Road Closed sign a good 500 feet down the road from the nearest intersection. This is a major pain in my ass I don't need first thing in the morning, let me tell you.

So I do a Y-turn in the middle of the road. No cops around, thankfully. I head on back and sure enough there is a Detour sign (no mention of which road it was detouring for though), and I take this long and winding detour over choppy railroad tracks and roads even more decrepit than the one they are fixing. Joy.

Now here's where the second dumb idea comes into play. My father and I are carpooling to work and we see this chick jogging along in a skin tight outfit on one side of the road. On the other side of the road is a fuckin' federal prison. My first thought.. this woman has some serious brass to be out jogging alone next a goddamn prison like that. My second thought.. this woman is just asking to get raped by some escapee waiting in the tall grass and when she does get her ass handed to her, I am not going to feel a damn bit sorry for her. I figure if you are so uptight about cellulite forming on your thighs that you have to put yourself in that kind of danger then you get what you deserve. Unreal.

Another dumb idea I've been hearing lately is how they want to put Reagan's trickled-down face on the 10 dollar bill. The last thing we need is for any president in the last 25 years to have his face plastered on any kind of daily reminder for the people that this is the kind of leadership we've been suffering through. However, not being the totally heartless s.o.b. that I usually am, I think it would be appropriate to see the past five presidents' faces put on something to remind the country of the bang-up job each of them did in office.

Jimmy Carter - Peanut Oil (let's face it, that's about all there was to the guy)
Ronald Reagan - Ketchup Bottle (hey, they both counted as vegetables at one time)
George Bush Sr - Box of Used Thumbtacks (No New Tacks... okay, its a stretch)
Bill Clinton - Box of Cigars (to smoke after you do something that actually qualifies as sex)
Mad King George - Toilet Paper (2-ply; 'cause he's a uniter, not a divider)

If ignorance is bliss and Conservatives go on and on about how Liberals are always miserable about something, what does that say about the Conservatives?

Friday, June 18, 2004


I am finding it really funny how the current republican administration is a lot like the Decepticon ideology. Mind you, I am speaking of the Decepticons of the 1980's, not the trans-crappers they've been pumping out in the past 6 yrs.

Decepticons want to rape the earth of its natural resources and leave it a dry war torn husk of its former self.

Decepticons have no problem stepping on the freedoms of those they claim to be lesser beings to reach their immoral objectives.

Decepticons will attempt to obliterate anyone or anything that gets in their path.

Decepticons will have two or more forms in order to travel unnoticed through the civilized world.

Decepticons will use terms like "Honor" and "Law" to lure their enemies into a false sense of security and then do anything they want when their backs are turned.

Aren't you glad we have such great leaders in the White House today?

"Peace Through Tyranny" -Megatron

Thursday, June 17, 2004

God is an Atheist

An Atheist is someone who does not believe in a higher being.
According to western religions, God is the highest being.
Since God is the highest being, it is impossible for God to believe in a higher being.
Therefore, God is an Atheist.

Now... some people will go on to say that surely God believes in himself. Ok... assuming God does believe in himself. So what?

Assuming God exists and that God believes in himself...
Since God is the highest being, God can not be higher than himself.
God can not believe in a higher being since there isn't one to believe in.
Ergo, God is STILL an Atheist.

The only way to prove God isn't an Atheist is to:

A. Prove God exists.
B. Prove there is a higher being above God.
C. Prove that God looks to this proven higher being as a being higher to himself.

I would like to add that by proving B fact, you will have proved that God isn’t God at all (since God is the highest being) and thus render your previous argument (or assumption), that God exists, invalid.

Have a nice day.

-A Devout Agnostic

PS.. This proof doesn't mean there isn't a God. Its just means that she isn't necessarily on YOUR side.

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