Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Attn: Mad King George the Brainless

George W. Bu**sh**, you retarded dumbfuck. Just when I thought you couldn't get any stupider, you pull something out of your ass that would make Dan Quayle blush out of embarassment.

"The United States is a country that promotes freedom around the world. When there's accusations made about certain actions by our people, they're fully investigated in a transparent way. It's just an absurd allegation." -Yahoo News

You said this today in retalliation to those claims made against you about the Guantanamo Bay detention area being a modern day gulag.

Well guess what, dipshit? The allegation that Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destrcution was also an absurd allegation that was investigated in a highly transparent and suspicious manner. You've no business claiming allegations made against your policies are absurd when you can't even justify your own actions that started this mess.

Sit down and take your damn medicine, you retarded asshole. You're no president of mine.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day Not-So-Standard Blog Entry

Now your typical blogger is gonna sit up today, put on their red, white and blue pajammas and go on and on and on about what Memorial Day means and how everyone should kiss a man's ass just because they served in the military. Personally, I feel its a bunch of shit.

Today is one of three days we set aside to honor people who have died for other people's political systems. The other two are Veteran's Day and Armed Forces Day. These days are set aside by the government so that the retail stores can offer minor sales while corporate America somehow gets the recognition and the day off. Meanwhile, there are all sorts of televised parades and ceremonies put on to try and convince the people that soldiers are here to protect your freedoms and if it weren't for them being here at this exact moment, the ENEMY will attack you in your sleep, rape your wife and murder your children, eat your dog and if you live in a red state, take your guns away. Well, sorry Charlie. No one is coming to get you in your sleep. Chances are, you're not important enough. Besides, Al Qaeda already got what it wanted from us.

I know what you're thinking. The military is protecting us as they are currently taking out "Major Al-Qaeda Operatives" as we speak. Well what the hell does that mean? As if it takes a major college degree to tell religious zealots where to point their guns. This is no victory. This is a spin job to make the more patriotic imbeciles feel like the brains behind the armed forces aren't stroking out.

Its all crap people. The government doesn't give a rat's ass about our soldiers. Once a man puts his John Hancock on the slip of paper, after being ruthlessly lied to by his recruiter, that person loses all identity and becomes a national resource to be used or abused by the whim of some snivelling politician who has absolutely no reason to make good on the promises made by said recruiter. In fact, the politician has more to gain if a soldier does not make it back from his tour of duty alive. Then the solider has made the ultimate sacrifice for the poitician's politics and they have a shiny new footnote to add on their next re-election speech. Let's face it, its a lot easier on the taxpayers too if a soldier dies since its a lot cheaper for the government to chisel a soldier's name on a slab of granite than it is to pay for their medical bills should they come home in a semi-salvageable state.

So with deepest regret, I cannot make the standard "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" speech today because I choose not to honor those who serve the Armed forces. Instead, I choose to pity them.

At the very least we don't have to exchange cards with family members we don't see that often - with good reason - expressing forced and predetermined emotional states.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Democracy, My Black Ass!!

I am getting sick and tired of hearing about the Bush Klan talking about Democracy in Iraq. Democracy in Iraq. Bullshit. This is not a democracy, people. They're only labelling it as a democracy to keep Democrats from wanting certain members of the Mad King George and the Bush Klan in prison for this fiasco. Because if they do pursue this, the Republicans get to label the Democrats as being against Democracy.

But I can understand why its fooling people. It basically stems from a general confusion theists have concerning the difference between rational political philosophies and personal religious philosophies. They are both philosophies. They both have their own definitions of good and evil. The difference lies in that religious philosophies, especially those in the middle east, deal with supernatural boogeymen, who these people believe influence their daily lives. Republicans have the same issues and from their actions, its pretty obvious they dont know the difference either. Regardless, the fact remains that the only political philosophies in Iraq are based in religious philosophies.

This means that this government in Iraq is not a Democracy. Its a Theocracy. As such it is only a matter of time before it falls apart due to religious conflict - the only thing the middle east is known for these days.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Today's Hypocrisy and Defamation

I am for freedom of religion and against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another. -Thomas Jefferson, letter to Elbridge Gerry, 1799

Monday, May 16, 2005

The Dehumanization of Job Hunting

I hate looking for jobs. I hate it. I hate the whole lousy repulsive retarded process with every fiber of my being.


I mean, could there possibly be a more dehumanizing ego-driven process in today's civilized society? Think about it. First you read the ad which usually reads like a requistion form for a piece of furniture. The applicant must be 3 ft wide, 5 ft long, 4 ft high with four drawers on each side, ivory handles and a secret compartment for holding pens and assorted stress toys. Then comes the writing of the cover letter, or as I like to call it, the formal request to take a turn at sucking the CEO's dick. Then you update your resume which explans to the CEO in which positions you want to be placed in before, while and after sucking his dick. The resume also has a list of all the dicks you've sucked previously which in turn will tease the CEO into thinking you suck dick well. So you put the formal dick sucking request and the sick sucking positions and the list of dicks you've sucked previously and send it in a freshly licked envelope to the corporate offices of Sukma D, Inc. 954 Shlong Ave Hardwood, CA nine-oh-too-up-yours.

You would think that a man getting a formal request to suck his dick would be impressed enough to open and read your request first hand. Nooooo. You don't deserve that honor yet. First your dick sucking request must go to the head of dick sucking resources. This person with years of experience in placing the proper dick suckers in the proper dick sucking positions will decide if your request for dick sucking is worthy of an interview to see how well you can suck dick.

So you get an interview, not with the head dick, but with a lesser dick, who may have been a dick sucking pee-on like you at one time. This is when you get to show off how well you can suck dick. I dare say that at this time you will need to suck dick harder and better than you will while you are sucking your CEO's dick. Can't suck dick great all the time you know. Gotta pace yourself. Now if the process so far hasn't dehumanized you enough, the next question this fuckface asks will drop your ass down a few notches guaranteed...

"Why do you want to work for this company?"

What kind of egomaniacal asshole asks this kind of question? Imagine, to not be satisfied enough with your corporate success with your penthouse style offices, your rave reviews from your stockholders, or even the personalized monogrammed napkins in the corporate lunchroom that you have to ask some no name fresh out of college to stroke your own ego??? Now, of course the honest answer to this would be...

"Because I don't want to starve to death while huddled under a blanket made of newpapers under a bridge, you corporate dipshit."

But you can't say that. It ruins the mood of the whole dick sucking experience. So you take a deep breath, swallow hard and pretend that you would actually enjoy sucking this and every other dick your CEO wants your to suck for the rest of your life even if you got a chance later on down the road to never have to suck dick again. Afterwards you have to send the coporation a thank you note for giving you the time to come in and suck their dicks.

I know. The whole process leaves a bad taste in my mouth too.

So then you finally get the job. Then the real dehumanizing begins. Then you are compressed and filed away. You are turned into a social security number, an address, a corporate ID, a telephone number, a fax number, a pager number, an office number, a floor number. You are reduced from a living breathing human being into an extended number, filed neatly away behind four pseudo cubicle walls with only a glory hole so that you can suck the dick of anyone who happens to walk by. And you will stay that way for the rest of your life unless you get lucky and someone feels you need to file you away in larger place where you get a couple of your digits changed and you get to suck bigger dicks through a bigger glory hole and then maybe get your own dick sucked once in a while. Yuck.

Stick that in your graduation speech and smoke it.

Monday, May 09, 2005

ZMG's Review of a Dynamite Wedding Reception

Wow, what a bash. Makes me wish my aunt had given birth to triplets. That side of the family knows how to throw a party.

I have twin cousins. Cousin A got married last year to a real sparkplug. Cousin B, who got married this past Saturday - to a truly kind and giving woman - was the best man at cousin A's wedding. During cousin A's wedding, cousin B fainted about 2 minutes before they asked for the ring. So, naturally, the running gag this past weekend was whether or not cousin B was going to make it all the way through. Fortunately it wasn't nearly as beastly hot as it was then and the ceremony wasn't nearly as long so he made through with relative ease.

The ceremony was held in a huge church with corinthian columns and the requisite stain glass windows. There was also a baptismal fountain that looked like a marble hot tub right in the middle of the aisle so that made a few people chuckle. There was also this huge metal abstract sculpture hanging over the middle of the church. It was a large crown of thorns thaty looked like oversized barbed wire with a slanted stake and a withered jesus hanging in the middle of the whole mess. It expressed pain and anguish. Perfect for the beginning of a marriage.

And the ceremony went on without a hitch. My father, for some reason, thought I was going to stand up and start attacking the catholic religion right there in the middle of the vows - go figure. The priest did his basic salesman spiel. God made this union possible. God made their love possible. God made them friends. God was even there they were conceived in their respective wombs... Y'know something? God's a pervert. The priest even said there is proof that God exists because of my cousin and his wife to be was sitting there. Well, yes they were sitting there, but that hardly means there was supernatural boogeyman in the bedrooms with each parents as they were bumping their respective uglies some 29 years ago. Then he said something that really made me laugh on the inside. He said that they had to work out their problems and arguements on their own as they arise... and I was sitting there, thinking to myself.. well where the hell is God going to be then? He was there for the conception, the friendship, the love, the commitment, the vows.. but apparently he's out to lunch once the warranty comes into question? Wow. Thats just too funny.

After the ceremony we went to the Pfister hotel, which is your basic overpriced, overdone place with nothing special when it comes to the basic service your every day roadside motel gives for one-fourth of the nightly rate. Seriously, I could have gotten a more comfortable night's sleep on a table saw than that crummy fold out. Ugh.

The reception was fantastic however. Great band. Great music. Good food (my steak had a little too much gristle for it to be considered great). Soda, beer and wine were free but the mixed drinks were costly. Where does any bar get the nerve to charge $9 for a White Russian that poorly mixed, I will never know. Applebee's does a better job for half the price. I even got out onto the dance floor a few times. Hey, at least I dance with some rhythm and am not a total embarassment to my race. Cousin B dances like he learned how from Popular Mechanics. My brother, on the other hand, is getting heavily smashed and looks more and more like John Travolta every moment he's out on the floor. I don't tell him though, he's already got a huge ego as is. The bride is very very kind to me and tried to hook me up with a couple of her hottie friends who, naturally, want nothing to do with me. Which is, quite honestly, fine with me. If they are so insecure about what people look like on the outside, I can't imagine the kind of quality parenting these people could provide should they ever have a child that doesn't look like a movie star. So, in my opinion, a relationship with one of these girls would be laughable at best.

The best part of the evening came after the band stopped playing. Now, my brother has a little ritual that extends from the weddings he attended where one of his hockey team buddies was getting hitched. He and his buddies would gather around and sing The Gambler a cappella. So after the band stops playing, on center stage, there is my brother, cousins A and B, and myself, stomping the stage in rhythm - which could give out at any time - as we are singing out The Gambler as well as any four drunken fools could to the entire wedding party. It was fantastic.

Great party.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Jennifer Wilbanks Scandal


Bullshit. This woman has done nothing wrong. All she did was leave town for the few days and not tell anyone. And unless someone forgot to tell me that we are living in 1950's Soviet Union, I still believe that's acceptable behavior for anyone over the age of 18. The same thing goes for that college student, Audrey Seiler, who pulled the same thing one year ago. They are after all adults. They are of legal age. They have the right to travel to anywhere they want to go, at any time without reporting their movements to local or national authorities.

Was it rude for her to run out on her fiancee? Oh hell yes. Should he ask for the ring back? Probably. Should the Georgia state police demand $60,000 back for a unnecessary search? OH HELL NO! If we need to pay the police directly every time one of their investigations goes sour and they take a shot to their pride, then we might as well privatize police forces now and be done with it. Heaven forbid that I should be out getting groceries and not tell anyone. I wouldn't want to have to pay the police $20,000 because they couldn't figure out I had to go to the next town over to buy a gallon of milk.

If the police want their money back, they should be looking to get it from the media who overdramatize this crap on a daily basis in the constant hope that they will uncover the next SHOCKING SCANDAL THAT WILL GRIP THE NATION!!!

With the media overdramatizing everything, is it anyone wonder why Delay is still in office?

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