ZMG's Top 100 Fight Scenes

This is just a little project I've been working on for a while now. When I go online to the IMDB, I am always reading posts made by people who place their 100 top films of all time and after a while they get a little boring. So I decided to make my own list, not of the best movies, but just of the best fight scenes in movies.

1. Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker (Empire Strikes Back)
2. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir vs. the Uruk-hai (The Fellowship of the Ring)
3. Battle at Sterling (Braveheart)
4. Superman vs. General Zod, Ursa and Non (Superman II)
5. Indiana Jones vs. Arab Swordsman (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
6. Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
7. Neo vs. Morpheus (The Matrix)
8. King Arthur vs. The Black Knight (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
9. Westley vs. Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride)
10. C.D. Bales vs. Dart Champion; insults included (Roxanne)
11. The Ents vs. Isengard (The Two Towers)
12. Neo vs. Agent Smith outside Rm. 303 (The Matrix)
13. God vs. The Nazis (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
14. Inigo Montoya vs. Count Tyrone Rugen (The Princess Bride)
15. Westley vs. Vizzini (The Princess Bride)
16. Tyler Durden vs. The Narrator in the parking garage (Fight Club)
17. Michael vs. David (The Lost Boys)
18. Puss in Boots vs. Castle Guards (Shrek 2)
19. Sir Lancelot vs. Swamp Castle (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
20. Johnny Cage vs. Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)
21. Wolverine vs. Stu (X-men)
22. Gandalf vs. The Balrog (The Fellowship of the Ring)
23. Rick O’Connell vs. Imhotep’s Priests (The Mummy)
24. Football Fight (Flash Gordon)
25. Mad Max vs. The Blaster (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
26. Robin Hood vs. High Sheriff of Nottingham at the end (The Adventures of Robin Hood)
27. Battle for Helm’s Deep (The Two Towers)
28. Blade vs. the Bloodbath Rave (Blade)
29. Lone Star vs. Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)
30. Indiana Jones vs. The 1st Mechanic (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
31. Yu Xiu Lien vs. Jiao Long (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)
32. Joe vs. Angel Eyes vs. Tuco (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly)
33. Knights of the Round Table vs. the French Knights (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
34. Carl Spackler vs. Mr. Gopher (Caddyshack)
35. Baron Munchausen, Berthold, Albrecht, Adolphus, and Gustavus vs. the Sultan’s Army (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen)
36. Ellen Ripley vs. Alien Queen (Aliens)
37. The Baseball Bat Scene (The Untouchables)
38. Magneto vs. Military Guards at Alkali Lake (X2)
39. Sauron vs. The Army of Men and Elves (The Fellowship of the Ring)
40. The Hanson Brothers vs. Hyannisport (Slap Shot)
41. Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan vs. King Ghidrah (Ghidrah)
42. The Narrator vs. The Narrator in the corporate office (Fight Club)
43. T-800 vs. T-1000 in the steel mill (Terminator 2)
44. Hawkmen vs. War Rocket Ajax (Flash Gordon)
45. Jason and the Argonauts vs. The Skeleton Fighters (Jason and the Argonauts)
46. Freddy Krueger vs. Jason Voorhees at Camp Crystal (Freddy vs. Jason)
47. Hulk vs. the US Military (Hulk)
48. Nada vs. Frank (They Live)
49. Martin Riggs vs. Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon)
50. Topper Harley vs. The Kickboxing Opponent (Hot Shots: Part Deux)
51. Butch vs. Maynard and Zed (Pulp Fiction)
52. Charlie vs. Hank (Me, Myself and Irene)
53. Ash vs. Ash’s hand (Evil Dead 2)
54. Bowen vs. Draco (Dragonheart)
55. Rick Deckard vs. Roy Batty (Blade Runner)
56. The Bride vs. The Crazy 88 (Kill Bill: Vol. 1)
57. Leeloo vs. Mangalores (The Fifth Element)
58. Martin Riggs vs. Roger Murtaugh in their first meeting (Lethal Weapon)
59. Alex vs. Frank Alexander after Alex had been locked in the attic (A Clockwork Orange)
60. Egon Spengler, Peter Venkman, and Ray Stantz vs. The Library Ghost (Ghostbusters)
61. Brom Van Brunt and Ichabod Crane vs. The Hessian (Sleepy Hollow)
62. Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (Tombstone; 1993)
63. Neo vs. Multiple Agent Smiths (The Matrix Reloaded)
64. Yoda vs. Count Dooku (Attack of the Clones)
65. The Mud Fight (McLintock!)
66. King Arthur vs. Lancelot (Excalibur)
67. Lt. Mike Harrigan vs. The Predator (Predator 2)
68. Bart vs. Mongo (Blazing Saddles)
69. Vera vs. Quick (Harlem Knights)
70. Ben Richards vs. Buzzsaw (The Running Man)
71. The Bar Fight (The Devil’s Brigade)
72. Gorgeous George vs. Micky O’Neil (Snatch)
73. Robocop vs. Cain “Robocop” (Robocop 2)
74. King Kong vs. Godzilla
75. Chang Sings vs. Wing Kongs vs. Rain, Thunder and Lightning (Big Trouble in Little China)
76. Blade vs. Reinhardt and the Guards (Blade II)
77. The Punisher vs. The Russian (The Punisher)
78. Bambi vs. Godzilla (Bambi meets Godzilla)
79. Wesley vs. Prince Humperdink (The Princess Bride)
80. Snake Plissken vs. Four Gunmen in the ‘Bangkok Rules’ Gunfight (Escape from L.A.)
81. The Food Fight (Animal House)
82. Roger Mortis and Doug Bigelow vs. Zombie Bank Robbers (Dead Heat)
83. Trinity vs. The Police (The Matrix)
84. Happy Gilmore vs. Bob Barker (Happy Gilmore)
85. Breaker Mahoney vs. Cyrus’ Team (Thir13en Ghosts)
86. Ash vs. Bad Ash at the castle (Army of Darkness)
87. Yellowbeard vs. The Monks on the beach (Yellowbeard)
88. Sloth vs. The Fratelli Brothers (The Goonies)
89. Wang Chi vs. Thunder (Big Trouble in Little China)
90. Top Dollar vs. Eric Draven (The Crow)
91. “Bruce” Leroy Green vs. Sho’nuff (The Last Dragon)
92. Dorothy vs. The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
93. Francis Xavier Cross vs. The Ghost of Christmas Present (Scrooged)
94. Shiwan Khan vs. Lamont Cranston in the restaurant (The Shadow)
95. A-ko vs. The Max 5000 (Project A-ko)
96. Roughnecks vs. The Bugs at the fort (Starship Troopers)
97. Lisa vs. Chet Donnelly (Weird Science)
98. Frederic vs. The Pirate King (The Pirate Movie)
99. Madmartigan vs. General Kael (Willow)
100. Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh vs. Wah Sing Ku (Lethal Weapon 4)

ZMG's Review of Team America: World Police

There are two types of people in the world. Those who divide the world into two types of people and those who don't. Trey Parker and Matt Stone don't divide the world into two types of people they divide the world into three types: dicks, pussies and assholes.

Team America: World Police's underlying theme is that dicks fuck everyone, pussies hate dicks and assholes shit over everyone. That's about as deep as the movie gets and this movie uses every vulgar and bizarre method to express an over-simplified theme that only uses the analogies that work for their own message (not unlike Michael Moore). In the end this movie comes across as being as poignant as Andy Kaufman and as politically correct as Sam Kinison. The movie is about 50% funny, 45% retarded, and 5% insightful.

Another main theme is that people should not go to actors for political advice - they should go to bad voice actors instead. I never understood why people give actors such a hard time for giving their own opinions on politics. It seems that the people that buy supermarket tabloid trash don't mind the press hounding these actors day and night as long as they don't use that publicity to give out their own personal opinions of the world.

I was however shocked over the fact that neither John Kerry nor George W. Bush was mentioned in this film.

Highlights of the film include:

1. A 4 minute dramatic barfing scene
2. A puppet porn scene (It is only out of the most perverse curiosity that I want to see the unedited version of that)

Final Grade: Incomplete. Do over.

I look forward to seeing Kim Jong Il's reaction to Trey Parker and Matt Stone's film about as much as I'm sure George Bush Sr. will look forward to seeing Michael Moore blow up.

A few things to say before the election

1. If Kerry can take Ohio and Pennsylvania, he'll win without a doubt.

2. If you are looking to use a write in slot (For libertarians, independents, etc), you must ASK to be shown how to use it because it is against the law for officials at the polls to voluntarily show you how to access it.

3. Go see Team America: World Police. We'll all need a good laugh before this crap election takes place.

4. Go here to make sense of all the crap being tossed around by both sides.

5. If there is any karma in the universe, all politicians in the DC area will drop dead on Halloween.

I need a drink.

Give Me Libertarian or Give Me Death

I've considered it. I've considered voting Libertarian. And I will admit, the Libertarian party has some interesting ideas. I think their views on the environment and freedom of expression and the seperation between church and state is very uplifting. Their views on censorship and personal sexual reltaionships is heartwarming when compared to the current administration.

HOWEVER... they also have a lot of other views that I do not agree with. I do NOT believe that putting more guns in the street is a way to stop gun crime. I do not share their definition as to what a "victimless crime" is. While I do believe social security is a joke, I don't believe cutting taxes in half will do anything positive for the country. I also believe their statistical analysis between crime and drug prohibition is simplistic. Their solution is to end drug prohibition and I can assure you certain drugs, like Crystal Meth, have no business ever being legal.

In addition, I like job security. I like holding onto the hope that I can get a job and make a reasonable amount of money and reach a decent standard of living without having to worry about some guy fresh from some third world country coming in and taking my job from me because he's willing to live in a mudhole with 13 of his friends and family and work for one-tenth of my salary. Call me a socialist, but I feel the time and effort you put into an organization should mean something to that group and should not be thrown away at the drop of a hat.

To me it seems that they want to try and promote personal responsiblity by creating the most socially irresponsible environment. While it may seem promising at first, their world vision reminds me of the mining towns I see crumble into social-economic chaos on the History Channel.

R - E - S - P - E - C - T

Rodney Dangerfield, one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time, has died today. No words can truly express the loss this means to the entertainment industry. So instead, I will merely use the words of the great legend himself:

"And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!" - Back to School

"When I was born the doctor slapped my mother"

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms."

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out, then bring one every ten minutes." - Back to School

"I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."

"She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks."

"She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled 'rape', they yelled 'No'."

"What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it."

"Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up." - Meet Wally Sparks

"Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire."

"Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money."

"Even in hell I get no respect." - Little Nicky

"Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!" - Caddyshack

Brainwash... Rinse... Media Spin

I want to talk about these marijuana ads that keep coming out these days where people are shown smoking pot while driving and its affecting their driving abilities. Either that or there's some kid crying because someone he knew got run over by someone else who was smoking pot and then driving. And the tagline is saying: marijuana.. its more dangerous than we all think.

Now let me see if I can understand what this ad is saying. These commercials have established that: drunk driving is dangerous and illegal, smoking marijuana makes you about as dangerous behind the wheel as someone who drinks alcohol before getting behind the wheel, and then concludes that smoking marijuana is dangerous and should remain illegal.

Well, right off the bat I can also see that this commercial is telling me that smoking marijuana is no more dangerous for you than drinking alcohol and while drinking alcohol is still legal as long as you don't drive afterwards, smoking marijuana should still be illegal in any scenario.

I mean, let's take an objective look at these two drugs. Alcohol is a toxin to humans. If you drink it day and night eventually you will get alcohol poisoning and die. Marijuana on the other hand, can be smoked day and night and you will never die. It is not physically possible for the human body to take in enough marijuana in a short enough time for it to be lethal.

Alcohol can be used to make mixed drinks that can fuck you up even faster and send you on your way to a lethal case of alcohol poisoning that much easier. Marijuana and more specifically, hemp, can be used to make clothing, rope, bags, food, paper and much more.

When people drink alcohol they can become abusive and violent. When people smoke pot they become mellow and get a case of the munchies. Regardless of what early government studies say, pot will not turn you into a psycho murderer. At the most you might shoplift a pack of twinkies.

Over time, both alcohol and marijuana abuse can and will screw up your physical and emotional well being. However, the same can be said for any legal or illegal drug, caffiene included. Also both alcohol and marijuana can become addictive. If you want to get really nasty, it can be shown that the long term effects of legal artificial sweetners will do more damage to you over the long run than pot will.

So why is alcohol legal and marijuana illegal? I don't get it. Its just the spin it takes in the media, I guess. Mind you, I'm not saying that all drugs are the same or that you should go out and get stoned. Both alcohol and marijuana are addictive substances just like nicotine. Its just out of alcohol, marijuana and nicotine.. only one wont kill you. Surprisingly, its the only one of the three that's illegal.

Kinda the same way Republicans think Dan Rather should be fired for misleading America with questionable documents and George W Chimp should get four more years.

Again, I don't get it.

God told me to post this

Do I have something against God? Not really. I just have something against his followers.

Imagine a farmer starts his tractor and begins to plow in a straight line. It's a brand new tractor and the field is straight enough and flat enough that after a while, the farmer jumps off and goes back into his house to take care of something else. The tractor goes on straight after a while and then something happens. A rock or a rodent gets in the way of the wheels and the tractor is pushed off its course. The tractor weaves and wobbles for a while and then it completely loses its way and drives off the field entirely and starts heading down a nearby road. Down this same road a family is taking a drive in the country. They've never been in the area before and they have nothing but high hopes as they turn around the corner and WHAM!! are struck head on by the driverless tractor and the family is killed. The farmer is questioned later on and he tries to cover his own ass by saying the driver of the car should have watched where he was going.

If you asked most people who was to blame in this scenario, more than likely they would blame the farmer. He was absolutely irresponsible in his actions in leaving the tractor he set in motion unattended. In doing so he is liable for the deaths his tractor caused and the indirect, but very real damage caused by any surviving family members not with the people in the car. It would make little difference to people that this farmer provides food and shelter for his own family or that he provides food for other people or that he takes care of dozens of animals on his own farm. He still needs to be held accountable for the deaths that the events he set into motion caused.

Now imagine if the farmer had a more important role in the lives around him. What if he was the most important individual in that region? Would the lives of the family that died at the hands of the farmer mean less in comparison? If so, how many lives would need to be destroyed before people believed that the farmer needed to be held responsible for his continual inactions? How many lives would need to be destroyed before the farmer learned to pay attention to his tractor?

In this scenario: God is the farmer, religion is the tractor, and the family is anyone who has been attacked or prejudiced because of religion.

I am a devout agnostic. This means the more some bible-thumper pushes me towards any one denomination the harder I push to stay in the middle. I don't believe in God. Actually let me put that in other words. I don't believe in how modern churches define their deities and I have a personal grudge against monotheistic religions. All monotheistic religions all have the same underlying premise that "I'm right because I worship the ONE TRUE GOD and everyone else is wrong and/or going to Hell by default." Think about what this means for a moment. By its very definition, a monotheistic organization is incapable of accepting, let alone acknowledging, other organizations because they can't possibly be correct. Because of this majorly exclusionary and fucked up dogma everyone outside of a religion's cone of silence is by default in league with that religion's personal brand of the devil. I believe there will never be peace on earth as long as people adhere to this hogwash.

Special note: Religion is also directly opposed to freedom of expression. If you have an organization telling you exactly what is right and what is wrong, any freedom of expression can only be defined by that organization's freedom of oppression. This explains why most of the religious fanatics in America tend to hold their guns close and will protect their 2nd Amendment rights moreso than they will protect the ACLU's 1st amendment right to say these people are nuts.

Even if there was a massive planet-wide holy war and there was only one religion left (hardly matters which), there still wouldn't be peace because in any organization where there is power to be had and at least one person who believes they deserve more, there is going to be politics. And religion is nothing if not the ultimate political tool. In religion, people obtain political power by adapting "holier than thou" attitudes and stating that they are closer to God than their peers. Unfortunately this is not that uncommon since every person believes that God will understand their own personal dilemmas and be forgiving in the choices they take but be wrathful in how other people make their decisions. In this way every person makes God in his or her own image. Eventually you would be brought back to the beginning with multiple religions, each one fractured from the first because they couldn't agree with how to worship the same deity, and again each claiming how they are right and everyone else is wrong and bound for Hell by default.

And on and on and on and on. If there is a devil, he must be rolling on the floor laughing his ass off because God has allowed his "religion" to progress to this state through his inactions and, in doing so, has brought more evil to Earth than the devil ever could himself. If there is a God and he truly did care for his people, then he should come down to Earth and prove to everyone, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he doesn't exist. That would be the best gift he could give his people right now.

If God exists, then I find God to be irresponsible. Through his actions and inactions he has caused enough damage and enough horror to those who he is supposed to be watching over that he should not be awarded the gift of faith, blind or otherwise. If God doesn't exist and a few thousand years ago some innocent person looked up into the sky and asked "why am I here?" I would like to think that if there had been someone around with some amount of foresight, he should have walked over to that individual, kicked him square in the yarbles and told him to get back to work.

"The army that carries the Ark before it is invincible." -Raiders of the Lost Ark

ZMG's Review of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

This wasn't a bad movie but it also wasn't a great movie. If it had been great, it could have been described as a Retro-Classic. It had the look and the feel of a 1930's sci-fi pulp comic done with modern day computer graphics. The movie was very stylish but it also lacked any real combat that a movie like this should have had. For example the final shot of the movie showed an all out attack against... NO ONE. It was a very anti-climactic ending.

The plot line was decent enough. I couldn't figure out why a german rocket pad would be counting down in english, however. Small plot point.

The various creatures and robotic monsters were very well done in the beginning but as I said before, they really needed to do something with them for the end as well. They kept talking about a Doomsday device and unfortunately it wasn't nearly as threatening as they built it up to be.

Polly Perkins gets my award for the most annoying character of the year. She is as reckless as Lois Lane and has the ego of Doctor Doom. How anyone could put their own self-interest so far above the welfare of the entire world is beyond me. She might as well be running with Mad King George. When Sky Captain finally punches her in the mouth it was probably the most satisfying moment of the whole movie.

Final Grade: B

Golden Enema

A continuation of Concrete Enema

Well its about 5 days until the final exam in this concrete enema o'mine and it looks like I'm actually going to pass this one. If I got 100% on this last assignment, it will mean that I will only need about 66% on this upcoming exam to pass with an A- and keep my GPA to an acceptable level. I'm going for the gold on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

But this class hasn't been a total loss of time and sleep and I'll be darned if I didn't learn something interesting in this class. During one assignment, we were made to write out ten summaries on several essays. I did mine surrounding organizational communication within sports and I came up with something rather interesting concerning people who value athletics over education.

According to this article by Jay Coakley called Socialization and Sport, it says that during the 1960's and 1970's sociologists were trying to determine any kind of personality traits that stemmed from playing sports. They found out that interscholastic and intercollegiate athletes in the United States measured higher on personal and political conservatism and lower on political awareness than their counterparts not involved in sports. (Ogilvie & Tutko, 1971; Norton, 1971; Rehberg & Cohen, 1971; Schafer, 1971)

This explains two parts of American culture:

1. The term "Dumb Jock"
2. Why Republicans are constantly cutting back on education.

and now.. a little fun

ahh the joys of internet radio. I use LAUNCHcast with my yahoo messenger. I've had it for about a week now and i've already hit the Fanatic level. Its a great way to listen to a lot of songs you would never think of listening to... ever. Its a really basic premise. You start out by ranking out a lot of "essential" artists of various genres (either on a 1-100 scale or with stars) and then you have the option of writing in four other artists to listen to. Then through a process... not unlike how they make cheese whiz... LAUNCHcast goes through its massive library and picks out what songs it thinks you might like to hear, based on which artists, albums and songs, but not neccesarily the ones you rated the highest. The biggest problem with this system is that its main goal is to sell you CD's. With this in mind, it figures that the songs and albums that you've rated the highest must be songs you already own and ergo, it will be rare that you actually hear those favorite songs of yours. Instead, about 75% of the music will be based on an guess of what LAUNCHcast thinks you might like to hear and eventually shell out $12 to buy on CD. Another problem this causes with LAUNCHcast is that if by some chance you remember that one-hit wonder from the 80's and then rate that song at 100%, chances are you will almost never hear that song, but rather every other crappy song by the same artist.

Now this might not be a problem for the typical music fan, but I have very picky tastes. I will NEVER buy a CD unless the music has truly impressed me. For example, I'm still trying to decide whether or not its worth it to buy the Orgy CD with Blue Monday on it and I was VERY impressed with the video when it first came out. See? VERY picky. But I digress, LAUNCHcast goes on its own little tangent quest to sell me music I haven't heard before and on a rare few times its actually done a good job. I never would have found out about DJ Micro or Paul Oakenfold without them but even still, 95% of the time, LAUNCHcast is DEAD WRONG with its guesses as to what I want to hear. This can get very annoying very quickly. For example, I like Jump Around by House of Pain and no other song by them. Instead of hearing Jump Around though, I get every other song by House of Pain which I have to either skip (which you can only do 5 times in an hour unless you pay LAUNCHcast for more) or rate a zero in order to keep them from ever playing it again with the futile hopes that they might learn and not send me any other songs by them other than the one I WANT to hear.

One thing I do like about LAUNCHcast is they do have some nice videos which you can play as often as you like. Unfortunately, they don't have some of my favorites like Tom Petty's Don't Come Around Here No More or Genesis' Land of Confusion. Two essential 80's videos if you ask me. I love videos that play out little movies that actually have something to do with what the song is about. Meat Loaf's I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Wont Do That) is another good one.

They do have the Gump video by Weird Al Yankovic. I highly recommend this one. Watching Ruth Buzzi beating Forrest Gump with her purse was just priceless. Too funny. One more bit of Gump trivia... when Weird Al was playing Gump on a New Year's Eve party live on television, they showed the members of The Presidents of the United States of America singing along with the parody of their song, Lump. Now that's class. Prince could learn a thing or two from them.

MAJOR FVCKING UPDATE: FVCK YAHOO, FVCK LAUNCHcast AND FVCK THEIR 800 SONG PER MONTH LIMIT! THOSE CHEAP FVCKING BASTARDS!!

Umbrella Salesmen

It seems to me that Mad King George has become quite the umbrella salesman.

The past 3 years have shown Mad King George creating this huge umbrella which he has christened "Terrorism." It started innocently enough as a rallying cry against those who attacked The United States on September 11th of 2001. The sleeping giant had awoken and it was time to take out the trash. Then after a few months of righteous action and war cries, the term "terrorism" turned into a political tool. The umbrella grew and the umbrella salesman was adding more to its size as well as trying to sell this umbrella to as many American people as possible. The Partriot Act and the Iraq war for example were added to keep people afraid of the storm. More recently, upping an already vague terror alert system during the Democratic National Convention was done to keep sell the umbrella again to people who were no longer afraid of the weather. If not for the politically adaptable umbrella, none of these additions would have became a reality let alone been taken as a serious idea.

Then the umbrella became something even worse. The umbrella called Terrorism evolved into a dividing line between who was standing with "Real Americans" beneath the umbrella and those "unpatriotic bastards" not willing to be sold the idea that they needed the umbrella or were starting to put their umbrellas away. The umbrella was no longer trying to keep America safe, it was only trying to keep those still beneath it trapped there. In addition, the umbrella salesman didnt wanted those beneath it to know the storm was over because if the storm was over, the umbrella salesmen would be out of a job.

So the umbrella salesman jeered at those outside of the umbrella's reach. The salesman threatened them to return beneath the safety of the umbrella. But those outside the range of the umbrella's grip knew the current storm was passing and what parts of the storm remained, were not being stopped as well as it should be. Then they noticed the umbrella salesman had paid so much time to the building of large faulty umbrellas that he neglected other parts of his life and ergo loss even more respect in the eyes of his potential customers.

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger." -- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

If you still do not wish to purchase into the Terrorism Umbrella, there are several other Republican models to chose from:

The Traditional Family Values Umbrella
The God Bless America Umbrella
The Faulty Intelligence Umbrella
The Democrats are Stupidheads Umbrella (notice how the word Republican never appears on this page)
The Grand Old Party Umbrella
The John Kerry is a Flip-Flopper Umbrella

Concrete Enema

Ugh. I hate essay tests. I just cant stand them. This past week I've had to put everything on hold just so I could study for this massive concrete enema (hard to pass) of an mid-term exam.

I dont think too much of this teacher either. Let me explain how this guys works.

The essay exams are to be graded competitively, since he believes we are forced to be competitive in the workplace. This, to an extent, I can see the potential of. However it appears to be an overly simplistic response to standardized testing.

Before the exam we are to write out a summary of an entire class session and post it online for all the students to read and study from. If we are to be graded competitively on the exams, doesn't it seem a bit contradictary that we would share our notes with other students in the same class?

Also the exams are closed book and closed notes. This is also contradictary to his workplace theory since when one is in the workforce and one goes to a meeting or to a presentation, one is usually expected to bring notes or texts to draw information from when neccesary.

Now imagine this coming from a guy who is a dead ringer for Clayton from Benson.

So anyway, despite blanking on the first part of the exam and writing more than I ever have before on any essay test in my entire life, I get a 93%. Not too bad. My friend on the other hand, didn't study any of the material covered on the first part of the exam and BS'ed her way into a 47/50 on that section and then got a perfect 50 on the second part. But she's got a degree in English already so she can BS with the best of them.

And people wonder why there is so much violence in schools today.

Speaking of violence, I wanted to talk a bit about the rise of violence in schools today. Beautiful segue, dontcha think? When I was growing up I was a hyperactive kid that the school couldn't control. So instead of doing something intelligent like counselling me, they decided to go for the easiest route available to get me into status quo with the least amount of work. They stuck me on Lithium, which gave me a three-year gap in my memory and a severe lack of social skills. This, in turn, made me a social oucast and an easy target for verbal assaults from any asshole walking around. And you know how it goes, as the verbal assaults and the pranks progress, your parents can't do squat about it. All the teachers couldn't care less about the students so they wont get involved other than to give that tired old "dont let it bother you" bullshit. And talking to the bullies themselves doesn't do shit.

So what do you do when everything else fails miserably? You do one of two things. You either sit there and take your daily poundings or you take the law into your own hands and you kick some ass. Mind you, I wasn't getting teased nearly enough to bring a shotgun to school, but I would be lying if I wasn't thinking about it from time to time. So whenever I hear about some kid going off and slinging lead around the schoolyards. At home I am secretly cheering his demented ass on. YOU RAH RAH!!

Then afterwards, if they don't kill themselves, the trials for these juveniles are always so funny. If you listen to these things you almost start to wonder who the real psychos are in this area of the country. First of all, you have all the clique kids running around and holding onto each other for support and weeping on the evening news as if they were saying "We teased him mercilessly, but we never expected him to push back!" Then the parents of these clique kids, who breed their children to torment everyone who's different they are, go on the news and blame the school board and the parents of the actions of the psycho-tot. Next they bring in psychiatrists to counsel the clique kids and tell them "It's ok. You're not to blame for this. You don't have to change who you are. Now go back out and torment some other kid until HE brings a shotgun to homeroom and maybe, if you survive THAT encounter, I can tell you all this bullshit again." Then, depending on how influencial the victim's parents are, the kid will most likely be tried as an adult, and eventually sentenced to concurrent sentences of 25 years each and the village that bred this child to become the sociopath he is today gets off with barely a slap on the wrist.

I saw this one sentencing hearing that made me roll on the floor. This kid had shot up a couple students in his school and he wasn't crying in court so I'm assuming he got off a lucky shot at at least one of his tormenters. The clique kids were lining up saying the usual stupid shit. We need less violence in movies. This is all Marylin Manson's fault. You've ruined our prom. Blah Blah Blah. Then the prinicipal showed up. This was a hilarious speech. She went on for like 20 minutes about how this kid had absolutely no reason to do this. She claimed no one picked on him... no one tormented him.. and everyone in his school was his best friend in the whole wide world. I almost died laughing at how stupid this speech was. First of all this kid was short, fat and wore glasses. Genetics might as well have made a bullseye shaped birthmark on his face for all the grief this kid was going to get in school and this principal was trying to sell the notion that this school was somehow the only school in the entire fucking world where no one torments anyone else? LMAO! Nixon, Mad King George, Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly combined couldn't sell that much bullshit, lady!

What a funny world we live in. This stuff just writes itself.

Mad King George's Land

Everybody SING!!

This land ain't your land.
This land is my land.
I've got a shotgun,
and you don't got one.
You step on my land,
and I'll blow your balls off.
This land is private property.

 

Terror Alert Level: Fuchsia

Is it me, or are the people who oppose Gay marriage among the dumbest people on the face of the planet? The one arguement I hear that doesn't stem from bible-humping losers is that Marriage is a sacred institution. Sacred institution? Are you fucking kidding me?
 
Sacred institution, my black ass! Marriage is a goddamn GAME SHOW!
 
Married by America!? Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire!? Who Wants to Marry My Dad!? The Bachelor!? The Bachelorette!? Temptation Island!? My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee!? Wife Swap!? Outback Jack!?
 
Marriage isnt an institution! Its a ratings spike! In addition to that, the average marriage today (with straight people, of course) lasts only five years. FIVE YEARS! Thats not long enough to raise a child to the age where he can learn how to ride a bike. That's pathetic.
 
...and so of course seeing how straight people treat their "sacred institution", its only logical for them to want to keep homosexuals out of it because allowing homosexuals to marry might give marriage a bad name. OH PLEASE!! I guess they feel they have to protect the sanctity of all those drive-thru marriage chapels in Las Vegas.
 
ZMG: "God? Why are your followers so mindless?"
God: "I don't know, George."
ZMG: "My name's not George, God."
God: "I'm sorry, George." 

A couple days ago, I saw this perfect example of anti-gay idiocy. This religious nutsack was sitting on stage telling the world how he had been gay for several years. He had seen his friends die and buried because of AIDS and then found religion.. and turned away from the "evils" of homosexuality.
 
SIDE NOTE: I really want to know why it is that these religious whackjobs always find God right when they are at the bottom of the barrel? Its never the people who are already doing well, or the moderate joe. Its always some shlep at the end of his rope. Isn't it strange how this ideology just latches onto people at their weakest emotional and mental state and just throws them in for a double rinse in the brainwashing cycle?
 
Anyway, back to the straight plan for the gay man. This toad was sitting here talking about how this wonderful woman sitting by his side had been praying for him for two years and then they were married. MARRIED. The same guy. This guy who was taking a size 10 mansteak in his backdoor for more than a decade was allowed to get married. He was allowed to get married because he wasn't gay anymore. How utterly pathetic is this? This white-washed dildo who couldn't handle the stress of watching less responsible members of his sexual orientation die of AIDS, so he decides to change his identity in order to not deal with the situation.
 
This, my friends, is no different than that one guy in M*A*S*H who psychologically turned himself into Jesus because he couldn't stand the horrors of the war. This man couldn't stand watchign his gay friends die of AIDS in the 80's so he turned himself into a straight Christian Warrior to protect and remove himself from the AIDS epidemic. He doesn't need a wife and kids, he needs a padded cell.
 
But I digress, this same individual is allowed to be married when he loved a woman, but when he was in love with another man, he wasn't. That makes no sense to me.
 
"Kill a man, but don't kiss him." -Robert Preston; Victor/Victoria (1982)

ZMG's Review of Spider-Man 2

Before I start, I want to say that overall this is a good movie. However, if you do not have a strong constitution, you could come down with an acute case of cheese poisoning.

There was a lot of cheese in this film.

1. The unneccesary use of scream queens in the film was cheesy.

2. The "Mary Jane running through the park in her wedding dress" scene was very cheesy.

3. The "Raindrops keep falling on my head" montage was hideously cheeseball.

4. Doc Ock and Spidey doing a synchronized tumbling act along the top of the train, while well animated, was still a little bit cheesy.

5. The little old lady with the violin playing the 60's theme song was one of those hideous greasy christmas nut-covered cheeselogs kinds of cheesy.

6. The freeze frame of Peter's smiling face was like getting hit in the face with a 10-pound block of parmesan. I was so hoping that was a mistake in the film. *UGH*

7. The way Peter revealed himself so non-chalantly to Doctor Octopus (and thus inderectly to Mary Jane who was standing maybe 15 ft away) when he wouldn't do the same to J. Jonah Jameson wasn't nearly as much cheese... but it did have a bit of that familiar aroma to it.

Overall, the acting, the dialogue, the interaction between characters, and the storyline was better than the first film. Stan Lee made his requisite cameo as a guy pulling some girl away before she got clobbered by falling debris. There were plenty of little references scattered about the film. There was even one to Army of Darkness.. and I was so waiting for the Doctor with the chainsaw to say "Groovy!"

Final Grade: C+

Republicans and Democrats UNITED!!

Not by The Demagogue formerly known as Mad King George.. but by PORN, GLORIOUS PORN!!

I pledge allegiance to the porn, of the United States of America, and to the 13" black dildo for which the porn star moans. One nation, under silicon, interchangeable, with liberty and anal lube for all.

The Middle East.. Bitter Assholes

Let's take a little trip down memory lane, shall we?

About 600 years ago the world was a much different place. The new world had yet to be made public knowledge. The concept of a flat earth was the accepted truth. The people who did trade between Europe and Asia had to pass through what is now known as the Middle East. This was a good time for these people. Trade was always coming through since land routes were faster than routes by sea. Those guides who knew the safest routes were prized by all. The leaders of the cities in the middle of trade routes were rich for they could tax as much as they wish in return for safety and supplies. The people of this region were the center of the known world and they had everything they could ever want at their fingertips.

Go forward about a century. A European explorer looking for a better trade route between Europe and India sets out across the Atlantic Ocean. Columbus does not find a passage to India but instead sets the wheels in motion for Trans-Atlantic exploration and settlement. Any concern had by the Arab world of Europeans finding a faster router by sea is squashed with this discovery. Trade routes through their regions are unaffected and life goes on.

Another 125 years later, The Mayflower and its passengers came into play. They settled down in the new world and began the foundations of what was to become one of the most powerful nations in the world. The Arab world was not impressed. While resources were being transferred to this grand new design, trade between Europe and Asia still went through the Arab world without deviation.

Ahead again another 150 years. These new colonies have gained independence from England and a new nation is formed. This new nation (divisible) offers both Freedom and Manifest Destiny as it begins to expand and evolve over the course of the next 125 years. Trade with the Arab world diminishes a little but does not dwindle as there is still no better route to India despite expansion across the North American continent.

Enter 1900. During the next 50-60 years big changes are going to affect the world. Man is going away from horses and movie to trains and automobiles. Man is learning to fly and can now travel large distances. Plans for a canal connecting oceans at Panama first drawn up in the early 16th century are now coming to pass. Mass production is bringing the future faster and more efficiently. Suddenly, the world demographic shifts. The Arab world is no longer the center of attention. Trade routes no longer require the Arab world for assistance and since the Arab's never sought a reason to evolve their own economy beyond that which was handed to them by travellers from outside their lands, things go downhill FAST. Arab countries that do not find oil are forced to rely on other forms of income. Some turn to opium which has been outlawed in America since 1875. But those wihtout the benefit of adequate means of economic stability fall apart.

Now religion has taken a grip upon the desperate peoples of this land. It is telling them that America is to blame for generations of their own sloth. It is telling them that killing Americans will acquire great wealth for them in heaven. It is telling them that if they aren't getting handouts anymore from other countries that they have every right to commit terrorist attacks upon them instead of actually working hard to create a better place for themselves in this world.

The Arab World is now a wrathful place that has been forged in greed and tempered in sloth. Its only hope for salvation lies NOT in some bible-thumping, altar boy jumping religion, but in making it face its own mistakes and forcing them to deal with their own problems. The only real solution is for the Arab World to be quarantined and isolated from the rest of the world until such time as they can make a real contribution to the global community again and able stand on its own two feet without resorting to violence.

As for The Demagogue formerly known as Mad King George. Getting Saddam Hussein out of Iraq may have been a good intention... BUT... he did it for the wrong reasons, in the wrong way and at the wrong time. He has taken a once great nation and turned it into another wrathful weapon forged in greed, tempered by sloth and willing to take the easy road and attack anythng that moves rather than listening and thinking before acting.

In many ways Bush has made the US just as bad as the Arab world is now.

..and in just four years too. Imagine what he could do with eight.

This Way to The Egress

Now personally I have nothing against socialists or Marxists. Both political doctrines had a lot to offer the world in terms of economic and political reform (if it wasn't for Socialists there would be no minimum wage) and alas both were basically run into the ground by psychotic madmen looking to rule the world. Ce la vie.

The following argument is not meant as a slam towards Communism. This is a hella weapon to be used against those unenlightened few who still live in fear of the Red Menace as a deterrent to voting for Mad King George in the upcoming election. Its an illogical argument for illogical minds.

President Bu**sh**, in the past four years, has made two very noticeable changes to the economy. He has accomplished the following:

1. He has gifted massive tax cuts and allowed offshore tax shelters to the very wealthiest of people within the United States. This has made the wealthy even wealthier and created a more inaccessible divide between the upper and the middle class.

2. He has allowed utility and gasoline prices to skyrocket, which in turn has caused a blurring between the middle and lower class. Effectively creating one single working class where there was two.

The core of Marx's utopian doctrine was to eliminate the middle class (bourgeoisie) and leave everything to the working class (proletariat) and the wealthy (the elite). Ergo, these two aforementioned economic consequences has caused the US to enter into a Marxist state.

So go ahead and vote for President Bu**sh** if you want to. He has not only spit into the face of everything that Ronald Reagan had accomplished during his eight years in office, but has also handed the Communist Party a delayed victory in the Cold War.

"Not if you eliminate the third, fifth and sixth letter. Then its Red's Digest." -Colonel Flagg (M*A*S*H)

"The Communists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win." -The Communist Manifesto

My ass on the one dollar bill.

I want to talk about dumb ideas today. Today, I witnessed a severe lack of planning which led me to an even dumber idea later on.

The powers that be, in the small town I live in, have decided to start some much needed repairs on a long stretch of road. This much I have no problem with. What I do find disturbing is how they decided to put the damn Road Closed sign a good 500 feet down the road from the nearest intersection. This is a major pain in my ass I don't need first thing in the morning, let me tell you.

So I do a Y-turn in the middle of the road. No cops around, thankfully. I head on back and sure enough there is a Detour sign (no mention of which road it was detouring for though), and I take this long and winding detour over choppy railroad tracks and roads even more decrepit than the one they are fixing. Joy.

Now here's where the second dumb idea comes into play. My father and I are carpooling to work and we see this chick jogging along in a skin tight outfit on one side of the road. On the other side of the road is a fuckin' federal prison. My first thought.. this woman has some serious brass to be out jogging alone next a goddamn prison like that. My second thought.. this woman is just asking to get raped by some escapee waiting in the tall grass and when she does get her ass handed to her, I am not going to feel a damn bit sorry for her. I figure if you are so uptight about cellulite forming on your thighs that you have to put yourself in that kind of danger then you get what you deserve. Unreal.

Another dumb idea I've been hearing lately is how they want to put Reagan's trickled-down face on the 10 dollar bill. The last thing we need is for any president in the last 25 years to have his face plastered on any kind of daily reminder for the people that this is the kind of leadership we've been suffering through. However, not being the totally heartless s.o.b. that I usually am, I think it would be appropriate to see the past five presidents' faces put on something to remind the country of the bang-up job each of them did in office.

Jimmy Carter - Peanut Oil (let's face it, that's about all there was to the guy)
Ronald Reagan - Ketchup Bottle (hey, they both counted as vegetables at one time)
George Bush Sr - Box of Used Thumbtacks (No New Tacks... okay, its a stretch)
Bill Clinton - Box of Cigars (to smoke after you do something that actually qualifies as sex)
Mad King George - Toilet Paper (2-ply; 'cause he's a uniter, not a divider)


If ignorance is bliss and Conservatives go on and on about how Liberals are always miserable about something, what does that say about the Conservatives?

REPUBLICONS, TRANSFORM!!!

I am finding it really funny how the current republican administration is a lot like the Decepticon ideology. Mind you, I am speaking of the Decepticons of the 1980's, not the trans-crappers they've been pumping out in the past 6 yrs.

Decepticons want to rape the earth of its natural resources and leave it a dry war torn husk of its former self.

Decepticons have no problem stepping on the freedoms of those they claim to be lesser beings to reach their immoral objectives.

Decepticons will attempt to obliterate anyone or anything that gets in their path.

Decepticons will have two or more forms in order to travel unnoticed through the civilized world.

Decepticons will use terms like "Honor" and "Law" to lure their enemies into a false sense of security and then do anything they want when their backs are turned.

Aren't you glad we have such great leaders in the White House today?

"Peace Through Tyranny" -Megatron