Monday, May 09, 2005

ZMG's Review of a Dynamite Wedding Reception

Wow, what a bash. Makes me wish my aunt had given birth to triplets. That side of the family knows how to throw a party.

I have twin cousins. Cousin A got married last year to a real sparkplug. Cousin B, who got married this past Saturday - to a truly kind and giving woman - was the best man at cousin A's wedding. During cousin A's wedding, cousin B fainted about 2 minutes before they asked for the ring. So, naturally, the running gag this past weekend was whether or not cousin B was going to make it all the way through. Fortunately it wasn't nearly as beastly hot as it was then and the ceremony wasn't nearly as long so he made through with relative ease.

The ceremony was held in a huge church with corinthian columns and the requisite stain glass windows. There was also a baptismal fountain that looked like a marble hot tub right in the middle of the aisle so that made a few people chuckle. There was also this huge metal abstract sculpture hanging over the middle of the church. It was a large crown of thorns thaty looked like oversized barbed wire with a slanted stake and a withered jesus hanging in the middle of the whole mess. It expressed pain and anguish. Perfect for the beginning of a marriage.

And the ceremony went on without a hitch. My father, for some reason, thought I was going to stand up and start attacking the catholic religion right there in the middle of the vows - go figure. The priest did his basic salesman spiel. God made this union possible. God made their love possible. God made them friends. God was even there they were conceived in their respective wombs... Y'know something? God's a pervert. The priest even said there is proof that God exists because of my cousin and his wife to be was sitting there. Well, yes they were sitting there, but that hardly means there was supernatural boogeyman in the bedrooms with each parents as they were bumping their respective uglies some 29 years ago. Then he said something that really made me laugh on the inside. He said that they had to work out their problems and arguements on their own as they arise... and I was sitting there, thinking to myself.. well where the hell is God going to be then? He was there for the conception, the friendship, the love, the commitment, the vows.. but apparently he's out to lunch once the warranty comes into question? Wow. Thats just too funny.

After the ceremony we went to the Pfister hotel, which is your basic overpriced, overdone place with nothing special when it comes to the basic service your every day roadside motel gives for one-fourth of the nightly rate. Seriously, I could have gotten a more comfortable night's sleep on a table saw than that crummy fold out. Ugh.

The reception was fantastic however. Great band. Great music. Good food (my steak had a little too much gristle for it to be considered great). Soda, beer and wine were free but the mixed drinks were costly. Where does any bar get the nerve to charge $9 for a White Russian that poorly mixed, I will never know. Applebee's does a better job for half the price. I even got out onto the dance floor a few times. Hey, at least I dance with some rhythm and am not a total embarassment to my race. Cousin B dances like he learned how from Popular Mechanics. My brother, on the other hand, is getting heavily smashed and looks more and more like John Travolta every moment he's out on the floor. I don't tell him though, he's already got a huge ego as is. The bride is very very kind to me and tried to hook me up with a couple of her hottie friends who, naturally, want nothing to do with me. Which is, quite honestly, fine with me. If they are so insecure about what people look like on the outside, I can't imagine the kind of quality parenting these people could provide should they ever have a child that doesn't look like a movie star. So, in my opinion, a relationship with one of these girls would be laughable at best.

The best part of the evening came after the band stopped playing. Now, my brother has a little ritual that extends from the weddings he attended where one of his hockey team buddies was getting hitched. He and his buddies would gather around and sing The Gambler a cappella. So after the band stops playing, on center stage, there is my brother, cousins A and B, and myself, stomping the stage in rhythm - which could give out at any time - as we are singing out The Gambler as well as any four drunken fools could to the entire wedding party. It was fantastic.

Great party.

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